I Heart Indies

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Sage Advice from a Condescending Old Fart

It's great to have a dream, but this band of yours.  Mudd Flapp?  Maybe it's time to be realistic about your chances of landing the big record deal, and do something practical.  Air Conditioning Repair, for example.  You can always play music on the weekends. I'm not trying to run your life for you, I'm just saying.  I know "your passion" is music, but but people always need Air Conditioners repaired, and that way you'll have something to fall back on if the music thing doesn't work out.

I used to be where you are now.

I'm sure it's very gratifying to your ego having such a hot girlfriend, but remember there's more to a woman than how she looks.  Loyalty, for example.  And someone whose attractiveness is proportionate to your own instead of being, let's face it, out of your league.  When people see a really hot chick with a guy like you, it can pose a threat to the relationship.  Just be careful, is all I'm saying.  I don't want to see your heart broken.  I've seen the way her ex-boyfriend looks at her.

I really wish you'd come to me before buying that expensive - what d'you call it? - gaming system?  You have to be careful with those kinds of purchases.  Your priorities right now should be saving money.  Like for health benefits.  You don't get health benefits from Mudd Flapp, do you?

This is one of those times I think you can benefit from my experience.

I didn't say anything when your girlfriend moved in with you, although I thought this was a bad idea at the time.  Let him make his own mistakes, is my philosophy.  Letting her ex-boyfriend move in, too, though is a very bad idea.  I cannot even tell you how bad an idea it is.

I just wish someone had told me this when I was your age.

You didn't listen to me about the gaming system, but please listen to me now: don't buy a motorbike.  I know you think they're "sexy," but don't buy a motorbike.  Don't buy a motorbike.  Don't buy a motorbike.  Sorry.  Motorcycle.

By the way, how long has it been since you went to the dentist?

Now that your motorcycle's totaled, maybe it's time to consider something more practical, like a Kia.  Kias are sexy too, in their way.  By the way, have you thought about how you'll pay all these bills when you get out of the hospital?  Supplemental health benefits are looking pretty good now, aren't they?

I'm not trying to get "all up in your business" like you kids say.  I'm just saying.

Sorry your girlfriend left you for her ex.  And he stole your new gaming system too?  Oh, well.  You know what women dig?  Health benefits.  You don't get health benefits with Mudd Flapp, I bet.  Air conditioning repairmen, they get health benefits.

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