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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

My Secret Identity

If I had this hanging in my closet,
I'd know I was Superman
I believe I may have a secret identity; the problem is, it's so secret even I can't be sure.  I'm reluctant to divulge what my secret identity might be because it may sound like bragging.  But here goes.

I may be Superman.

No, I'm not Clark Kent, and I don't work at the Daily Planet or date Lois Lane.  I don't have a childhood friend who's turned into a bald evil super genius, so far as I know, and I don't have blue tights hanging in my closet with a red cape and a big red S.  If I had those things, I'd be sure I was Superman, and as it is, it's only a hunch.

Sometimes, quite frequently in fact, I'll do something, and someone will say, "What planet are you from?"  Often the person who says this is my wife who knows what planet I'm from, or ought to know.  Sometimes people just give me a look like they wonder what planet I'm from.  Do they suspect?  Is the answer Krypton?

Then there's my superpowers.

What super powers you ask?  And see, I knew you'd ask, which is just one of my superpowers, foretelling the future.  For example, when I'm pouring myself my fifth martini, I'll say, "I'm going to feel like crap tomorrow," and sure enough I do!

I can not only predict the future, I can also predict the past.  Predict is the wrong word, maybe it should be post-dict.  Anyway, let's say I have corn on the cob for supper, the next morning when I use the bathroom, I can tell I had corn on the cob.  I can't explain how I can tell, because there're some superpowers you just don't discuss in public, but I have similar superpowers with asparagus and chili.  My superpowers when it comes to chili are so super, that even Nancy can tell when I've had it the night before.

Then there's my superpower of losing things.  I really have the ability to lose things that far exceeds the normal human.  I can lose my glasses instantly, like I've just set them down, and presto, they're gone.  They will be so lost, I'll have to scout around and find a different pair.  Then I'll lose those!  Later I'll find an entire stack of glasses piled up somewhere nearby.   Perhaps the Kryptonites had to evolve a finely-tuned ability to lose things in order to survive.  Maybe there were a bunch of poison but highly-delicious berries, and if they didn't keep losing them, they'd have eaten them all up and died out.

It's really the only explanation that makes sense.  All my superpowers were evolved to help me live on the planet Krypton.  They certainly don't do much good on earth.

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