I Heart Indies

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Annual Naughty Report

To the Attention of: Kris Kringle, North Pole
From: Barnaby Twinkletoes, CEO

Mr. Kringle,

We have finished re-checking our spreadsheets and confirmed a record-breaking number of naughties, and a concomitant shortage in lumps of coal.  As you are no doubt aware, Mr. Mandela died last week, reducing our "nice" list by one, a list already perilously short.  At this rate, you may want to consider disbanding our toy production facilities altogether, and devoting all resources to the mining of coal.

Meanwhile, the naughty list has grown by leaps and bounds.  Virtually the entire US Congress, although this is nothing new, will be getting coal in their stocking, along with all the citizens of any state whose highest-paid public official is a football or basketball coach.  This means virtually no one in the US is entitled to an actual gift except in New England where most people will be disqualified due to insufferable smugness and condescension.

This will result in a massive demand for coal this Christmas, which brings up another issue.  Mountaintop removal.  For this reason, Santa, you yourself will not receive any present this year.  I suggest in future switching to organic compost as a more sustainable and environmentally-friendly alternative to coal given the need to protect reindeer habitat and the number of people who have fallen into the naughty category.

B Twinkletoes
Chief Elf Officer

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