|Although I am Awesome, I Only Want to Live|
Among You in Peace
I have been awesome since childhood; my mother used to tell me, "Son, you can do anything you set your mind to." A terrifying power, I know, a power I have only begun to tap into, but do not fear me.
My basement is filled with T-Ball trophies. I got a trophy every year, which is pretty awesome, but I'll let you in on a little secret. I wasn't even trying.
For Fathers Day, I once got a mug reading "World's Greatest Dad." A sublime accomplishment, but this by no means diminishes what you yourself have accomplished, though laughably small by comparison.
I have been chosen "Employee of the Month" four times. But do not fear me. I mean no harm.
I get regular emails from businesses I once patronized, begging me to come back. Personal emails from big-name companies such as Netflix, with heartfelt pleas because they miss me. They even offer special deals if I return, deals unavailable to the general public. Yes, even mighty corporations long for my approval, is it partly out of fear of my awesomeness? I hope not.
I am awesome, yes, but do not fear me. I only want to live among you in peace as one of you.