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Monday, November 25, 2013

You Need Not Fear Me Just Because I am Awesome

Although I am Awesome, I Only Want to Live
Among You in Peace
You need not fear me just because I am awesome.

I have been awesome since childhood; my mother used to tell me, "Son, you can do anything you set your mind to."  A terrifying power, I know, a power I have only begun to tap into, but do not fear me.

My basement is filled with T-Ball trophies.  I got a trophy every year, which is pretty awesome, but I'll let you in on a little secret.  I wasn't even trying.

For Fathers Day, I once got a mug reading "World's Greatest Dad."  A sublime accomplishment, but this by no means diminishes what you yourself have accomplished, though laughably small by comparison.

I have been chosen "Employee of the Month" four times.  But do not fear me.  I mean no harm.

I get regular emails from businesses I once patronized, begging me to come back.  Personal emails from big-name companies such as Netflix, with heartfelt pleas because they miss me.  They even offer special deals if I return, deals unavailable to the general public.  Yes, even mighty corporations long for my approval, is it partly out of fear of my awesomeness?  I hope not.

I am awesome, yes, but do not fear me.  I only want to live among you in peace as one of you.

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