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Monday, November 4, 2013

The Book of Leviticus, Simplified

And the Lord appointed the descendants of Levi to be priests to the Israelites  and the Lord saith, Take care thou doest what they say, for they are in charge while I am gone and they will write down the names of any who misbehaveth.

And the Levites spoke unto the people in place of the Lord, for lo, they were the ones put in charge.

And the Levites said the people shall bring sin offerings of young bullocks to the priests.  And offer all the fat thereof; the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, but the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them, and the caul that is above the liver, with the kidneys, it shall be thrown away: And the priest shall burn them upon the altar for an offering made by fire unto the Lord. Every male among the priests shall eat thereof except for the kidneys, like we said.

And no man shall lie with another man as with a woman, for that is icky.  And that goes double-ditto for a man who lieth with a sheep as with a woman.  And if a man lieth with a sheep, both shall be put to death for the man has committed an abomination, and as for the sheep, well, would you want that sheep?  And if a woman lieth with another woman...  Well, I don't know about that, is that even a thing?

And no one shall eat pork because that is also icky, and also crayfish and squid.  Fish are okay, but only ones with scales.  And if anyone even touch, say, a catfish, or a pig, or any unclean thing, he shall be considered unclean until evening.  If he touch a corpse, he shall also be unclean until evening.  

And if he do any of these things, he shall sacrifice a bullock, all but the kidneys and the caul above the liver, which shall be thrown away, for those things are oogy.  And the priests shall eat them for it is holy.

And Er, son of Ahem, said, but what if a man touch the corpse of an unclean animal, say a pig, is he unclean for two days?

No, saith the Levites, he's only unclean until evening because even though pigs are pretty gross all by themselves, the corpse thing sort of cancels it out.  But it will cost you an extra bullock, minus the kidneys, for asking.

If a man picketh his nose, he shall be considered unclean until evening.  If he fart, and really can't help it, he is only unclean until later that day, but maybe next time he shall be more considerate and do it when no one is around.

And anyone who does these things must bring a bullock, first taking out the kidneys, like we said, the Lord really doesn't like kidneys, and give it to the priests who will sacrifice and eat it.  But if thy sin is nose-picking, thou shalt wash thy hands first, at least.

If a woman is menstruating, she shall stay within doors and not go out because, ugh.  And if a woman give birth to a boy, she is unclean for thirty days, and if she give birth to a girl, she's unclean sixty days because of cooties.  And if she gives birth to a baby that's like really, really ugly, not just ordinary ugly, but like, whoa, we will take it on a case by case basis.

Anyone who wears two different kinds of thread in the same garment shall be considered unclean.  Anyone who wears two different sandals shall be considered a doofus.  People are only unclean until sunset, but being a doofus is forever.

And no one shall uncover his daughter's nakedness, nor his mother's nakedness, nor his mother-in-law's nakedness, nor his sister-in-law's nakedness, nor his sister's nakedness, nor his half-sister's nakedness, nor his aunt's nakedness, nor his grandmother's nakedness, nor the nakedness of his daughter-in-law.

I think that about covers it.

And anyone who does these things must sacrifice a bullock except for the what?  And the people shouted back, the kidneys!

And no one who is blind or a dwarf or funny-looking or has spots on their face can be a priest.  As for women, forget it.

And Korah, who always had sort of a bad attitude anyways, spoke up saying, "Who made you the boss of us.  You're just making up a bunch of rules to get us all in trouble and so you can rack up on sacrificial bullocks."

And as he spoke the earth opened up, and swallowed him for the Lord was wroth at disobedience, and the Levites were all like, I told you so.

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