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Friday, November 8, 2013

The Five Stages of Baldness

DENIAL: In this stage you simply refuse to face the fact you are losing your hair.  This is the reaction of shock to unacceptable or unbearable news.  "My forehead is getting bigger," you tell yourself.  This, however, is self-deception, and the sooner you own up to it, the better.

ANGER: Once you recognize you are truly going bald, you may feel anger.  This is a normal reaction.  "Why should I look like a balloon with ears," you demand the universe, "when that SOB George Clooney still has all his hair?  If he gave me just half his hair, we'd both have plenty."

BARGAINING: This represents an attempt to regain control.  "If only I'd shampooed more often," you tell yourself, "or less often," or "If only I hadn't fallen under the heat lamp that time."  "If only I'd been born to parents with full heads of hair."

DEPRESSION: When you finally grasp the fact that you are bald and there's not a darn thing you can do about it, you will feel depressed.  Really depressed.  And you should.  Being bald sucks.

ACCEPTANCE: Finally, though, you work your way through to a state resembling serenity, although it's actually just numbness.  You are no longer attractive to the opposite sex, are an object of mild ridicule for everyone around you, and are instantly identifiable even from satelite photographs as someone of laughable insignificance.  Okay, so what, you're bald.  You can live with that.  At this point your teeth will begin to fall out.

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