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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

My Correspondence with Zarina Al-Usman, Part I

(Here is a re-post of an oldie but hopefully goodie.)

I received the following email from a person identifying herself as Zarina Al-Usman.

Dear Chosen One,

My name is Mrs. Zarina Al-Usman, I am 59 years old and I was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago. I have being lying critically ill at the hospital since January 12th, 2010 when I was recently diagnosed with Hypoglycemia.  I am not in the position to disburse these funds myself as a result of my health. I decided to will it to you so you can help me disburse the funds to some charity organization in your country; am helping you, so you can develop the time to disburse these funds on my behalf. I decided to WILL/donate some huge amount which was left over by my late husband; I know for sure you will be surprised if such things still happens, believe me the doctor says my chance of survival is very low.

Arrangements have been made with my attorney on how these funds should be transferred to your account from my bank. The necessary documents have been signed and ascertained. I am in an Intensive ward where I do not have access to receive calls as a result of my health condition. You are to work with my attorney who will assist in these funds transfer to your account. The State taxes have been paid on the day of deposit with the Bank. I will give you the contacts of my lawyer as soon as I hear from you.

Meanwhile you are advised to keep this mail and its contents confidential as I really want my wish accomplish at the end of the day without any of my relatives knowing about these funds, please do Remember me in your prayers as I give you the assurance that this is legal.

Regards,
Mrs. Zarina Al-Usman


Dear Mrs. Al-Usman,

First let me say how terribly sad I was to hear of your illness. To have cancer for two years and then to be diagnosed with hypoglycemia seems a blow too terrible to be borne. Just when you really need a candy bar, not to be able to have one. Thank goodness that while you're unable to make phone calls, you can still get to the Internet, or I might never have heard from you!

I will certainly be happy to disburse your funds to charity for you. Is it strictly required all the funds go to charity? It is indelicate of me to ask this, but I wondered if I might retain some of the money for my own use. My wife and I are considering updating our home entertainment center, and if a few thousand could be spared from providing dairy goats to needy families or whatever, it would be greatly appreciated. I assure you, the pleasure my wife and I would derive from watching NASCAR in high-def 3-D would more than offset any human suffering by some orphan somewhere going without a second helping of goat milk.

Speaking of which, how much money exactly is involved? This is a tricky situation, and again, I don't wish to be indelicate. The fact you can afford all this hospital care and still have spare loot for charity speaks to a fairly sizable pile of cash, but on the other hand - and again, I don't wish to be insulting - your grasp of ordinary English does not suggest you are an alum of one of the most elite private schools in the country.

Also, two years of medical care may have drained the savings account pretty severely, what with the cancer and hypoglycemia and all. It might even be possible, please forgive this speculation, but it's something we have to settle up front, that you are a loony. Did one of your doctors ever use phrases such as "paranoid schizophrenia" "delusional belief systems" or "crazy as a bed bug?"

I am sure these matters are very minor, and can quickly be resolved. In any case, let me know what steps I must take next, and we will proceed.

Hoping you are rich and still not dead,

Man Martin

PS - I see you have addressed me as "Chosen One," which I must admit I find very flattering, but if we're going to work together for your limited remaining time on earth, please don't feel obligated to be so aloof. Feel free to call me just "Chosen," and when we get to know each other a little better, maybe it could be just "Chose" or even "Cho." Certainly there's no need for the formality of Mr. One.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to proceeding on this.

Man Martin

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