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Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Instructions for Disposing of Halloween Candy

After Halloween you will have residual undistributed candy; this is due to the inevitable over-purchase.  Do not be concerned that you "bought too much."  Even in the event that you under-purchase and run out, your wife will send you to the store for more, and you will return after the last of the trick-or-treaters, resulting in a bigger surplus than if you'd over-purchased in the first place.  Therefore, when it comes to Halloween candy, a certain degree of over-purchase is not only unavoidable, but desirable.

In the first stage of disposal, leave the candy basket in the foyer where it was on Halloween.  This saves the trouble of relocating the basket before its contents are lightened and allows you to pretend that you have no intentions of eating the entire pile.

Before eating any candy, visually identify available varieties; shift candy in basket to see what is on the bottom.  Some people categorize inventory into "good candy" and "bad candy;" however, there is no such thing as "bad" candy.  A better designation would be "good candy" and "better candy."  In any case, select one - and only one - piece of candy to eat.  Pick your favorite variety.  If you wish, you may mumble quietly, "I'll take this one."

Repeat the above procedure at intervals ranging from twenty-four hours to one minute.  Best practices recommend beginning with a longer interval between candy-eatings, which gradually grows shorter.  At some point you will notice that the "good candy" is disappearing faster than your consumption accounts for.  This is due to your wife sneaking pieces when you aren't looking.  Resentment is futile; view yourself and your spouse as a team, working in unspoken cooperation to eliminate leftover candy.  Nevertheless, it is desirable to prevent her from eating all the good candy, leaving you the drudgery of eating what's left.  Eating some second-best candy and even some of the worst demonstrates a good-faith effort not to be selfish, and moreover, may convince her to follow your example, ultimately leaving more good candy for you.

When you no longer see any good candy, bring the basket into the living room for greater convenience.  By now, the contents of the basket will be reduced enough that having it in plain sight will not be a disgusting indication of personal gluttony.  Moreover, it is not unusual to discover in transit some "good candy" that had been previously overlooked.  Eat this at once.

As you work through the second-best and third-best candy, you may discover a variety is tastier than you thought and should be promoted in rank.  Make a careful mental note of this for greater candy-eating efficiency next year.  When you have nothing but fourth-best and lower candy available, place the basket beside the couch so you can eat while you watch TV.  By this time, your spouse has stopped eating, and the entire chore has fallen on your shoulders.

Eating while recumbent may result in spillage.  Spilled candy should be retrieved as quickly as possible from couch cushions or floor following the five-second rule.  In the case of Halloween Candy, you may wait as long as one day to eat candy found between couch cushions, provided no one is looking.  It is imperative, however, to eat candy from the floor immediately to prevent the dog from getting it, as candy is bad for dogs.

It is acceptable at this point to eat four or even five pieces at a time, to compensate yourself for low candy quality.  Candy packagers, with the help of expert appraisers, evaluate the desirability of each variety, and put in greater portions of low-ranking treats.  Or at least it seems this way.

After a marathon candy-eating session, you may experience wooziness and a slight stomach upset.  This is normal.  When the candy is gone, the basket may contain empty wrappers.  Squeeze each wrapper carefully before disposal to ensure no candy has been overlooked.

When complete, put empty basket away until next year.

1 comment:

  1. This is about the twentieth year in a row that I have sworn faithfully that...as next Halloween approaches...I am not going to buy ANY of those little Tootsie Rolls or the small boxes of Milk Duds. And here I sit yet again, scarfing down leftover Tootsie Rolls and Milk Duds by the handfuls. (And I've even found a new favorite. You know those Hershey Rolos...the little chocolate drops with caramel centers that come wrapped in little rolls, sorta like Life Savers? You can buy big bags of those things. So I've got about three big bags of those to "dispose" of, as well.)

    Hate to be such a glutton, but it's our duty. After all...there are little kids without cavities in India.