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Friday, November 22, 2013

Getting the Most from Your New Kinkajou

(This is an oldie but hopefully goodie from a little over a year ago.)
One of the Many Surprises in Store for You as the Owner
of a Kinkajou is Just How Long Their Tongues Are!

Congratulations on your purchase of an adorable, playful KINKAJOU!  You will find this pet is just the thing to improve your self-esteem after that bitch-goddess Belinda left you for Barry.  Although its prehensile tail and wonderful dexterous "hands" make it resemble a monkey, a kinkajou is actually more closely related to a raccoon.  Its fondness for nectar has earned it the nickname "honey bear."

These are just a couple of the interesting facts you'll be able to smugly share with friends, acquaintances, and even random strangers now that you have a kinkajou of your very own.  Having this wonderful, exotic pet will certainly make Belinda realize what an interesting person you are and worry about "what she is missing."

In captivity, unlike Belinda, your kinkakou will be with you a long time; twenty-three years is the average life expectancy, with some as long-lived as forty, so while your kinkajou won't be with you as long as that unfortunate tattoo you decided to get on your left shoulder, it'll be around plenty long enough for the novelty to wear off, everyone around you to know it's more closely related to a raccoon than a primate, the drudgery of feeding and cleaning up after it to wear on you like the incessant drip of water on a stone, and to fully realize that in spite of having an exotic pet, you are no more interesting and worthwhile to be around than you ever were and that Belinda was probably right to leave you for Barry.

The kinkajou only reaches seven pounds, but still has adorable sharp teeth and is prone to bite, so be careful.  They also have lovable claws, with which to attack, not to mention an endearing high-pitched shriek when alarmed.  They are nocturnal, which means you have to be quiet during the day when they are asleep for risk of waking them and making them shriek and attack you with their cute little claws and teeth.  Needless to say, they will also be active keeping you awake at night, scurrying around searching through your pantry for insects and plastic jars of honey.  It is recommended you either get a night job or develop insomnia.  Some kinkajous also carry a certain kind of roundworm than can cause extreme illness or in rare cases death of its owner, which is all a part of the fun of owning one!

Remember, no matter how many regrets you may have about bad decisions in the past, the kinkajou is guaranteed to be near the top of the list.

Again, congratulations, have fun, and watch out for those claws!

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