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Sunday, November 10, 2013

Are You as Happy as You Should Be?

This Man Believes He is Happy.
Clearly He is Only Fooling Himself.
I read on Wikipedia - and if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true - that extroverts are happier than introverts.  As an introvert, I am not only annoyed by this but unable to vent to a wide circle of friends.  To an American, happiness is the report card of life.  Implying that someone's not as happy as he might be suggests he has a low Happiness Quotient or even that he has some sort of Issue.

(The average Happiness Quotient (HQ) is 100.  Evidently, Oprah has an HQ of 200.  I can't think of any celebrities with a low HQ because we don't allow that here.  Of course, the possibility exists that Oprah might be faking it, but that's another matter.)

You're allowed to be temporarily unhappy - even if you're a celebrity - provided you have an Issue.  Issues include alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, sex addiction, chocolate addiction, divorce, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, AIDS, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, cancer, heart disease, kidney disease, liver disease, concern about human rights, concern about global warming, concern about poverty, concern about animal rights, concern about Body Thetans.

Having an Issue not only legitimates a lowered HQ, it confers social status.  Even Oprah would crease her brow and frown with solicitude when one of her guests had an Issue.  Otherwise, it was all maniacal cheering and giving away cars and stuff.  Magazines also acknowledge this - in fact, editions of magazines are called issues, and frequently issues devote entire issues to celebrities with Issues.  Some celebrities with Issues don't seem to understand what's required of them; Charlie Sheen suffers, allegedly, from drug addiction, alcohol addiction, gambling addiction, and sex addiction, and yet he seems to be enjoying himself.  We do not understand how this is possible; we have an Issue with it.

Fortunately, most celebrities, as well as real people, deal with Issues in a socially acceptable way; they convert them into social status, which in turn raises their Happiness Quotient.  Without this exchange, we would soon fall behind the Chinese, and then where would we be?

But back to Wikipedia's assertion introverts are less happy than extroverts.  As an American, I have a God-given right to be as happy as I want to be 100% of the time, and so I find the Wikipedia article insulting.  I may not effuse happiness from every pore like a lawn sprinkler, but I am extremely content and enjoy my life thoroughly, and have an issue with those who denigrate me because I'm an introvert.  Oh, wait.  I have an Issue.

Thank goodness, I'm okay after all.

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