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Saturday, October 26, 2013

Your Order Has Shipped!

Dear Valued Customer,
Congratulations!  We have received your order for Shur-Grip Garden Gloves.  You will receive another email when your order has shipped.
Sincerely,
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Your Gloves are ready to leave the warehouse!  Right now they're on the desk of Larry, our mail clerk.  They're already boxed and labeled.  All he has to do is take them down to shipping and they're on their way!
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Sorry for the delay!  Your Gloves have been sitting on Larry's desk all day, and he hasn't lifted a finger to mail them.  He just keeps staring at his computer.  We're afraid he's looking at porn.  Anytime we go in there, the screen is something work-related, but we think he changes it when he hears us coming.  His girlfriend broke up with him recently, and he's going through a rough patch.  (Drinking.)  But that's no excuse for not mailing your package.  If he doesn't get off his duff soon, we'll give him a stern talking-to.
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
We dealt with the Larry problem, and your Gloves are on their way!  The fact is, we had to let him go.  He didn't take it well - his mother's in the hospital it turns out, and he's helping with her medical bills.  We didn't know that part, and we wished he'd told us before we dismissed him.  But what's done is done, and we're sure Larry will land on his feet.  The main thing is, soon you'll be enjoying your new Shur-Grip Gloves!
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Almost there!  Right now Linda, the intern who's filling in for Larry, is in line at the post office.  She came right when there was a rush of customers, and you know how slow postal workers are, ha-ha.  (Actually, the preceding is a playful exaggeration meant for comic effect; the Shur-Grip Team has the highest respect for America's Postal Workers along with the rest of our Armed Forces.)  If you had selected the $up-R $av-R Rush Delivery Option for just five dollars more, your package would have been shipped by overnight courier.  Not that we blame you for wishing to save money, the Shur-Grip Team is fully committed to Customer Service; however, the $up-R $av-R Rush Delivery is something you might want to consider for future orders.
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Guess who showed up at the post office?  Larry.  We didn't mention this earlier, but Linda is the girlfriend who broke up with him.  Awkward.  They're pretending not to notice each other.  We suppose Larry's getting an employment application.  Like he has a chance.  Getting a job at the post office is like winning the lottery.  Believe us, we've tried.  Anyway, Larry's desperate efforts to find a job in this economy are none of your concern.  Soon you'll have your Shur-Grip Gloves!
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
It turns out Larry's not looking for a job after all.  He's filling out a change-of-address form.  He's moving to Reno where his mother lives, he says.  We know what you're thinking. Wasn't his mother supposed to be in the hospital?  Frankly, we're glad we don't have to deal with him any more.  Linda's well out of it.
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Linda has temporarily stepped out of line at the post office.  She and Larry have gone to the coffee shop next door to talk things over.  This might be the best thing for all concerned, so they can finally get some closure on this situation.  Not to worry though, she has your Shur-Grip Gloves with her and will mail them as soon as she wraps things up with Larry.
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
Where to begin?  You know all those times Larry was staring at the computer screen, and how secretive he was about it?  He was shopping online for engagement rings!  At least that's what he claims.  We're not so sure.  We think he was probably browsing porn like we said, but Linda believes it, and now she and Larry are running off to Reno together.  The whole Shur-Grip Team joins you in deploring this shocking bad judgment on her part.  She's a fine girl, and we hate to see her throw away her opportunities for a shifty character like Larry.  And she has your Shur-Grip Gloves with her.  But you know kids.  You can't tell them anything.  
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer Asshole,
We mailed your precious gloves and we hope you choke on them.  Thanks so much for getting Larry fired even though you never met him and he never did anything to hurt you.  Thanks a lot.  We're not really thanking you, we're just being sarcastic, but you're such an asshole, you probably wouldn't pick up on the irony unless we pointed it out.  So even though you cost Larry his lousy job, he did the right thing for you because that's the sort of guy he is.  Anyway, we're going off to Reno together because we love each other and that's the sort of thing people do when they're in love.  Not that you would understand anything about that.  The closest you'll ever get to love is those stupid precious gloves of yours that you needed so badly Larry's out of work now.  Thanks a lot.  Sarcasm.  I bet you use those gloves to masturbate, don't you, you poor pathetic lonely asshole perv.  That would be so typical.  I bet you're the one who's surfing porn which is really ironic because that's what Larry got fired even though he was looking for engagement rings.  I'm wearing his ring right now.  Maybe it's not as big as Mr-Fancy-Gloves-Asshole could afford, but it represents the perfect love we share and that's what's important.  Oh, yeah, and by the way, Larry's mother really is in the hospital.  There's hospitals in Reno, too, but you never thought about that, did you, you selfish glove-loving prick?  Well, we're off to Reno, and we hate you every bit as much as we love each other, so suck on it.
Thanks a million, asshole,
Linda and Larry
PS: That last thank you, was sarcastic, too.  We wouldn't really thank you for a million dollars.

Dear Valued Customer,
We apologize for the email you just received from Linda and Larry.  Please disregard her remarks about using the gloves to masturbate while you browse porn.  The Shur-Grip Team fully realizes you would never do such a thing, and at any rate, what a Valued Customer does with his Shur-Grip Gloves in the privacy of his home is nobody's business but his own.  We were as surprised as you to learn the truth about Larry's mother and the ring.  Having said that, we still think Linda's making a terrible mistake.  It's hard to put our finger on, but there's something shifty about Larry.  We don't trust him.  We wouldn't be at all surprised to find out we haven't heard the whole story about the mother or the ring.  How much time does it take to shop for rings online anyway?  Still, it's not our place to judge.  Nevertheless, it goes without saying, we are terminating Linda at once.  We will take precautions to screen interns more closely in the future.  In the meantime, your Shur-Grip Gloves have shipped and will arrive shortly!
The Shur-Grip Team

Dear Valued Customer,
To help us improve our service to you, please click on the link below to fill out a brief customer satisfaction survey.
Thank you,
The Shur-Grip Team

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