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Monday, October 21, 2013

Your DNA Results

Thanks for sending your precious bodily tissue to DNA r US!  We've analyzed your sample and prepared this report.

NEANDERTHAL ANCESTRY: 2%.  For some reason, this is something that just fascinates people.  What this really means is that some of your ancestors were way ugly.  This should not come as a surprise.  Either there were some very, very sexy Neanderthals, or some super ugly humans.  Either way, this isn't anything to brag about.

RISK FACTORS:

FORGETFULNESS: You don't know where your car keys are right now, do you?  This is because of a portion of your DNA, H6a1b, the gene right between the part that gave you male-pattern baldness and the one that gives you those ugly toenails.

MUMBLING: A little bit of DNA we like to call K2a2 is why everyone ignores you.  Speak up, Chump!

DOGS: Dogs love you.  This has more to do with their DNA than yours.

CAFFEINE ABSORPTION: You don't absorb caffeine faster than other people, but your clothes do.  Maybe you shouldn't drink your first cup of coffee until after you've had your first cup of coffee.

FLATULENCE: Wait a minute!  You've got T2b2 and R1B12?  Forget about it.  You might as well just stay home.  You're disgusting.

DEATH: Your results confirm you're at a 99.999% risk of death.  This is a trait you've inherited from both your maternal and paternal line.  Even the Neanderthals are dead, if you thought that would help you.

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