What Should Remain Shut Down?

Some government functions, I admit we can't do without

While we're in the throes of this government shutdown, we have an opportunity to think about whether certain things should even be shut back on.  I'm not talking about the National Park Service or the robotic drones that take aerial photographs of my humiliating attempts to throw a football, I fully believe these are vital.  What I'm referring to are truly unnecessary government services such as:

The Department for Ensuring Deodorant has the Precise Gummy Viscosity so When You Put on a Polo-Shirt, It Rubs Off and Leaves Mysterious White Stripes Across Your Abdomen

The Bureau that Sees to it That Hot Dogs Come in Packs of Eight, but Hot Dog Buns in Packs of Twelve

The Undersecretary for Putting Those Little Red Rings Around Baloney

Chief Deputy of Seeing to It That Any Ink Pen Carelessly Left in A Pants Pocket Will Explode

The Committee for Guaranteeing Pizza is Served So Hot, The First Bite Removes the Skin from the Roof of Your Mouth

I hope I don't come across as some anti-government kook, but by eliminating these wasteful and counterproductive activities, the nation can get back to the serious business of robotic drones spying on my pathetic attempts to throw a football.