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Friday, October 4, 2013

My Funeral Instructions (Part 1)

My Casket Should Be Simple and Tasteful
To prevent their being mislaid or any confusion over my last wishes, I have decided to post my funeral instructions online.  A novel, approach, I know, but I feel this will make matters simplest and clearest for my survivors.

Above all else, I want a simple funeral.  The Dixie Land Band that accompanies my casket to the cemetery should consist of a trumpet, trombone, clarinet, tuba, and drums only.  I have always felt that guitars and banjos were unnecessary ostentation.  Others may not feel as I do, and I'm not here to judge, but for my own part, I want simplicity.  On the way to the grave site, they may play "Nearer My God to Thee," and on the way back, "Didn't He Ramble."

My casket, by the way, should be simple and tasteful: clear acrylic with silver handles.  If possible, my body should be rigged with a mechanism to make it sit out of the casket every thirty feet or so and "look around."  In any case, I should be dressed with simple dignity in a white-tie tuxedo and top-hat.  (Top drawer of my dresser.)

As for flowers, my motto is "less is more."  A tasteful wreathe for the horse's neck that pulls the funeral carriage and enough flowers to strew the path from the chapel to the grave (I don't care what sort of flowers they are, so long as they're solid white).  Beyond that, I would have mourners make donations in my name to a charitable organization that cares for orphans and widows.  In exchange, the widows and orphans may come to the ceremony to act as additional mourners, with one or two trying to throw themselves in the grave with me.  (Tip: Don't give them the money until after the funeral.)

At this point you're asking, but what about the sky-writing and the fireworks and the funeral oration by the Chief Justice?  Don't worry about any of that.  I'll get around to that in Part 2 of my instructions.

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