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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Darren Aronofksy Defends Noah

With a high-profile cast including Russell Crowe as everybody's favourite antediluvian patriarch, it has been billed as a blockbuster fantasy spectacular to resurrect the biblical epic for the 21st century. But Darren Aronofsky's Noah looks to be running into trouble after it emerged that the American auteur director of Black Swan and The Wrestler is embroiled in a fight for control of his ambitious new film with studio Paramount. -The Guardian

Okay, look, let me set everyone's mind at rest.  First off, the whole thing is strictly based on the BEE EYE BEE EL EE.  That's right, the Bible, the Holy Freaking Bible.  So if you don't like that, I don't know what your problem is.  

Of course, we had to make a few minor adjustments.  All the animals are CGI.  That's just because it's nearly impossible to make two real tigers walk up a plank side by side, especially if right in front of them is a pair of tasty-looking rabbits.  Okay, so we took some liberties there.  And since we were doing CGI anyway, I went ahead and juiced up the animals a notch.  Just like in Pi, the tigers are a little buffer than actual tigers, and the bunny rabbits are just a tad more adorable.  Wait til you see these bunny rabbits, I bet I make you go "awww."  And there's a megaroth.  This is a little bit of a stretch because the Bible doesn't say there was a megaroth, but it doesn't say there wasn't one either.  I'd never seen a megaroth because it's something I made up, but I got to say, the special effects boys did a bang-up job.

Also, there's a touchy point in the Bible where Noah's lying naked and his son Hamm checks him out.  It's all in there, you can see for yourself.  Now we got to stick to the facts, but that's a hard film to shoot.  I mean Hamm walks over and says, "Dad's passed out naked!  Whew, there's a sight you don't get over quickly."  In our version, Hamm's not the only one who sees Noah naked.  There's also this hot next-door neighbor (Miley Cyrus) who sees him that way and twerks him.  I know that part's not mentioned in the Bible per se, but it doesn't say it didn't happen.  And if you're lying around drunk and naked, there's no telling what goes on.

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