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Saturday, October 5, 2013

Consider the Bedbug

The Mommy Bedbugs Probably Try to Warn Their Daughters
During the height of the bedbug epidemic a few years back, did anyone pause to consider that as far as the bedbugs themselves were concerned, they were living worthwhile, interesting lives and had as much right to existence as anybody?

The bedbug, as every schoolchild knows, or cimex lecturarius, is a member of the hemiptera class, or true bugs.  You didn't know a bug was an actual thing, did you?  Well, you should have asked a schoolchild.  If you call a leaf-hopper a bug, you're perfectly correct; if you call a grasshopper a bug, you're only making a fool of yourself.

Normally bedbugs feed at night when you're asleep, and their bite is so delicate they go unnoticed.  Any problems people experience don't come until later.  According to Wikipedia - which must be accurate because, hey, it's Wikipedia - reactions to bedbug bites include skin rashes, psychological effects, and allergic reactions.  This is clearly propaganda to make bedbugs sound worse than they really are.  Skin rashes and allergic reactions are really the same thing written two different ways to sound like multiple conditions.  Psychological effects just means being bitten by bedbugs really creeps some people out.  That's your problem, not the bedbugs'.  If you're more disturbed at the thought of being bitten by a bug than another order of insecta, like a hymenoptera or something, it's just plain prejudice, pure and simple.

When a mommy and daddy bedbug love each other very, very much, the daddy hugs the mommy in a special way.  This keeps her from getting away when he pierces her abdomen with a sort of hypodermic needle he has instead of a willie and injects her with sperm.  Wikipedia talks about the psychological effects of being bitten by a bedbug, but doesn't mention the psychological effects of mating with one.  Anyway, after that, the daddy bedbug is always hanging around, like, "Hey, honey, you sure look pretty tonight," and the mommy bedbug is like, "Forget it," because bedbug sex isn't something you want to go through more than once.  After that, the mommy lays four to five eggs a day, every day, for the rest of her life.  She probably tries to warn her daughters not to listen to any sweet-talking boy bedbugs, but you know how kids are.  They never listen.

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