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Monday, September 16, 2013

The Boy Scouts of America and Our Nation's Little Old Ladies

As a Boy Scout of America, I am under government orders to assist little old ladies across the street.  Why is this?  I'm glad you asked.

To start with, China has over 500 million little old ladies, and while their infrastructure is not on par with ours, they are on a nationwide street-construction campaign that is simply dizzying.  At the same time, recruitment numbers for the all-volunteer BSA are down.  Way down.  Perhaps at some point Congress will institute a draft for boys 11-17, but in the meantime, we must make do with the numbers we have.  Simply put, if we wish to keep up, we're going to have to step up our game, helping-little-old-ladies-across-streets-wise.

Secondly, we have to be clear about what we're talking about here.  These are ladies.  They are not merely old, but also little.  They're standing at or near a street corner.  While we don't wish to blame the victim here, basically they're asking for it.

Some little old ladies, of course, don't want to cross the street.  Or if they do want to, they don't wish to be helped.  They resist.  In some cases, they fight back.  At these times a boy scout must be prepared to use force if necessary.  It might feel good to say, "Oh, she's just a little old lady, let her have her way."  Unfortunately, in these times, this sort of thinking is a luxury we can no longer afford.  We can't leave crucial decisions about crossing streets to the little old ladies themselves.  Many would dilly-dally and put off deciding.  A street must either be crossed or uncrossed; we don't have time for indecision.  There's just too much at stake.  Likewise, we can't take the risk of letting them cross unassisted, not if we wish to go on living in a free country.

Lastly, I want to say a few words on gays in the Boy Scouts.  Some of us here were frankly concerned about this new development.  There was even dissension in the ranks.  It was not pretty.  However, I believe this new era brings with it new and exciting possibilities.  In addition to little old ladies, we may now provide outreach to little old transvestites, little old queers, and little old transgenders.  Perhaps, one day in the not too distant future, America will be a place where no one will be permitted to cross a street without the assistance of a boy scout.

That is all.

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