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Monday, September 23, 2013

Postmortem Fitness

So you exercise thirty minutes a day, drink plenty of water, eat lots of fresh fruit and vegetables, and go easy on the processed food.  Good, good, good.  Then you die.  This poses a problem.
Within minutes after death, your cells burst open, emptying enzymes into your body, digesting it from within.  Then calcium builds up in your muscles, making them contract.  So far, you're thinking, pretty cool, right?  Between my body digesting itself and the muscle contraction of rigor mortis, my abs should be totally ripped.  But that phase only lasts a short while, and meanwhile you totally lose flexibility, which is one of the key components of personal fitness.  And then your body turns purple, then green, the flesh slowly liquefies, and all that's left is a skeleton.

All those hours on the elliptical machine wasted.

My concept is that immediately after death, we throw people into liquid acrylic.  When the acrylic hardens, the body will be sealed in a clear plastic cube, preserving it in a state of optimal freshness, like one of those paperweights with a butterfly inside.  You'd be dead, yes, but you'd still look good.  That's the important thing.

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