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Saturday, September 21, 2013

Pick Up Tips for Neanderthals

In 2010, scientists completed the first sequence of the Neanderthal genome using DNA extracted from fossils, and an examination of the genetic material suggested that modern humans' ancestors occasionally successfully interbred with Neanderthals. Recent estimates reveal that Neanderthal DNA makes up 1 percent to 4 percent of modern Eurasian genomes. - Huffington Post

So put yourself in this situation.  You see this hot Homo sapiens babe and you tell your pals, "I have got to mix my genetic material with that."  But how do you seal the deal?  One thing that definitely won't work is going up and saying, "For the love of Mother Earth, my species is dying out, and you may be my only chance to pass on some DNA."  Homo sapiens chicks pick up on little cues that make you sound desperate, and desperation is a real turn off.

Just as bad is the macho approach.  "You ever done it with a guy with a heavy brow-ridge?" or "Once neanderthal, never back, baby," are lines that just won't work on homo sapiens.  Maybe you think, "I'll just knock her over the head, drag her off somewhere, and mate with her whether she wants it or not," and that might work for a one-night stand, but unless you want her pounding your offspring flat with a rock later, you need to be more sensitive to her needs.

Homo sapiens women want a guy who can make them laugh.  This is a problem for neanderthals; because of our brain structure we don't really have a "sense of humor."  When a homo sapiens falls in the fire, the others laugh and laugh and seem to enjoy themselves.  Neanderthals are just worried that their friend is hurt.  When a homo sapiens says, "Knock, knock, who's there?  Oz.  Oz Trolopithicus," we neanderthals are too busy grappling with the concept of "knocking" to catch the punchline. 

So we have to make up for our lack of humor in other ways.  When a saber tooth tiger is about to chow down on a woman, or she's about to be trampled on by a mastodon, chase the tiger or mastodon away.  These little courtesies go a long way to making you desirable in her eyes.  Also, let her know just because you're a neanderthal, doesn't make you stupid.  Flashing a stone tool or even just a polished rock lets her know you're up on the latest technology.  If you bring her some meat from a fresh kill, sear it in the fire first.

Above all, be yourself.  Homo sapiens women can spot a phony a mile off and will head for the hills.  But a sincere, genuine neanderthal can win her heart.  Especially if he has stone tools, fire, and chases away mastodons.


  1. Apparently much earlier melodic musical instruments (bone flutes) have been found with neanderthal remains than homo sapiens. There's your seduction!