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Friday, September 13, 2013


A Scientific Diagram of the Precise Moment That
The Combined Weight of Everything McDonald's
Causes It to Collapse In On Itself Like a Black Hole
I ate at McDonald's last night, and, no, this blog will not criticize their food or their service, both of which were precisely what I expected.  Rather, I want to discuss my theory on the coming implosion of McDonald's everywhere.

Approaching the drive-thru, I passed a five-foot tall foam-core display of a chicken wrap, and three foam-core signs showing colorful fruit smoothies.  The windows were plastered over with pictures of food items I had not tried, asking if I'd like to try them.  For instance, did you know McDonald's serves hot wings?  As I placed my order I noticed a small electric box flashing to tell me I could order fried chicken nuggets and pancakes any time of day.  This, however, it advised me, is a limited time offer.  Waiting behind the car in front of me, I had time to study a collection box for the Ronald McDonald house.  A sign vowed that any pennies I gave were safely stored until donated.  (I searched my pockets and the console for spare change, but found none.)  Then as I came to the pick-up window, I drove under yet another display showing four different varieties of flavored coffee from the McCafe line.  Stickers on the window told me there was free Wi-Fi, although extra condiments were thirty cents apiece.

I ate en route to my destination, and when I arrived, I took time to study the bag.  "Made with WHITE MEAT" one legend informed me, referring I am sure not to the bag or my hamburger, but to chicken nuggets, although the accompanying illustration looks more like squashed lemons.  The bag tells me McDonald's supports renewable energy, that a portion of their energy comes from wind power.  (Really?  I hadn't noticed any windmills on top of the restaurant.  Maybe they were blocked by the chicken-wrap display.)  A little lower down, I get the interesting tidbit that in India, a favorite item is McAloo Tikki, a potato burger.  Below that, it tells me that McDonald's is the official restaurant of the Olympics.  On the other side, it says the bag itself is made entirely of recycled materials, and there is also a picture of Ronald dunking a wad of trash into a receptacle, asking me to please recycle if the bag is clean and dry.  Is there any thing else?  Oh yes, the bag helpfully suggests it's easier to say QPC than Quarter Pounder with Cheese.  I'll keep that in mind.  Oh, and there's also one of those little squares with the blobs inside you can scan with your smart phone in case you want to learn more, although I can't imagine anyone who'd want more information than the bag already provides. 

Dear Lord, has there ever been a corporation more eager to please?

All of which brings to my theory of the implosion of McDonald's or McDonageddon.  I don't know when it will happen, but the day cannot be far off.  The next menu item may be the breaking point: introducing McAloo Tikki in the States, perhaps.  Maybe it will be one more effort at corporate do-goodism, an announcement that they want to save the whales or that McDonald's is setting up a home for battered women.  Maybe it'll just be one more foam-core display.  Or when someone's putting wind-turbines or solar panels on the roof.  In any case, the combined mass of everything McDonald's will cause the entire chain to collapse in on itself like a black hole and sink out of space-time entirely.  When it's over there will be nothing left but dark craters where once the Golden Arches rose and not even french fries will be able to escape.

You heard it here first.

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