I Heart Indies

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Disturbing News

If this sort of thing is news, we must assume
Hollywood is a hotbed of nudism.
My friend David Gardner sent me a news story that Iowa now permits gun sales to the legally blind.  After emailing my sister in Iowa City reminding her to wear very bright colors and if possible a bicycle horn, I sat down to write this blog.  Yes, this news is disturbing, but after all why not sell guns to the blind?  They already sell them to the dumb.  Besides a blind person has just as much right as anyone to protect himself or accidentally shoot the family pet mistaking it for a prowler.

The news I find more disturbing is clothing news.  Every time I open Yahoo, there's a banner of news items.  Often these are important international events like someone's caught this really gross mutant lobster or there's a video of a kitten and a baby chimp or something.  These are things Americans need to know.  But always one of the news items is that someone famous is wearing clothing.  Yesterday, for example, one headline said "Sandra Bullock Fearless in Red Dress."

I did not read the article to discover whether Bullock is fearless because of or in spite of her red dress, or whether her courage and clothing are an unrelated coincidence, but I find the implications of clothing news disturbing.  If this sort of thing is news, we can only assume that it is unusual and noteworthy for a Hollywood celebrity to wear clothes.  My God.  The entertainment capital must be a hotbed of nudism.  Is this what Yahoo is trying to tell us?

I know what you're thinking - women are imagining Brad Pitt strutting around in his birthday suit, while men (and some women) are imagining Sofia Vergara.  But think about it more closely.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  Kevin James.  John Goodman.  Naked.  Standing in line at Dunkin Donuts.  Sitting on furniture.

God bless you, Sandra Bullock, for fearlessly wearing your red dress in a land so shameless and probably unhygienic as to allow the likes of John Goodman to parade his bare and furry expanses to the world.  God bless you.

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