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Sunday, August 25, 2013

What You'll Need to Bring with You to Mars

WASHINGTON — A group of volunteers hoping to become the first human Martians congregated in one spot for the first time Saturday (Aug. 3) to discuss their hopes to join the Mars One mission, a project to send colonists on a one-way trip to the Red Planet. - Tanya Lewis, Huffington Post

Okay, folks, listen up, now!  Settle down, settle down.  You in the Darth Vaader mask, do you mind taking that off,  it's kind of distracting.  So here's a list of things you'll need if you're one of the lucky ones chosen.  Remember, we will only select four.  (Boos.)  Settle down, now.  First of all, sunglasses, obviously.  And comfortable shoes.  Comfortable shoes are a must for walking on the beach, and basically Mars is all beach.  And ladies, I don't want to be indelicate but Mars has two moons, and one of them rises three times a day.  We have no idea how this will affect human physiology, so don't skimp on the panty liners.

Now when the rocket blasts off, you'll be in space around seven months, so it's very important you use the bathroom before you leave.  By the way, sending you there will cost six billion dollars, that's billion with a b, people, so you'll be allowed one carry-on and one personal item, that's it.  Each additional bag you check we're going to charge you seventy-eight million dollars.  So pack light.  

When you get there, you'll have specially-bred fast-growing seedlings to provide nourishment and replenish the oxygen supply.  Like that's going to work.  I personally recommend you also bring a candy bar or some beef jerky or something.  When the plants all die, and rations are running low, in the days before the colonists start resorting to murder/suicide/cannibalism, a single Slim Jim will have enormous bargaining power and could be parlayed into a situation where, if you're clever and unscrupulous, you might be the last to die, mumbling maniacally to yourself about "my Precious" or something.

Of course, we hope it doesn't work out like that.  With luck, the four of you will survive and reproduce, and your children will interbreed, and your children's children, until Mars is covered with entire cities of your grotesquely mutated offspring who have developed their own nightmare culture of Nietzschean "uber-men" smoldering with envy and hate of the feeble earthlings who marooned their ancestors on this cold barren rock and plotting the day when they can return in great glory and armored spaceships to reclaim their birthright and seize their homeland by right of conquest.

Good luck.  


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