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Wednesday, August 14, 2013


I follow all local Atlanta traffic rules
The Atlanta DOT keeps nagging me to come up with a solution for the traffic problems here in Atlanta.  In case you don't know their previous solution is building more lanes.  As I write this, I believe that 285 has twelves lanes in some places.  Surely this should be enough.  It isn't.

There are many solutions to the traffic mess, the most practical of which is to encourage more people to use public transportation.  Ha ha!  Just kidding!

Seriously, though, everyone agrees the problem is too many cars.  More specifically, too many of other people's cars.  My car is never a problem and I never drive anywhere that I don't urgently need to be, for example work, or to go buy some Breyer's Banana Split Ice Cream.  (Parenthetically, have you ever noticed how hard it is spelling banana?  That word is a regular black hole.  I typed it three times trying to get the right number of "anas.")

One idea might be to stagger work-shift times, so everyone in Atlanta didn't leave the house at the same time.  For example I am a teacher.  If I left home around 11:00, this would give me ample time to sleep for the busy day ahead, and I could work until three.  Administrators and principals could be at school from 3:30 until just shy of midnight.  The children would have run of the place from midnight until about 8:00 AM.  Everybody wins.

But since no one's going for that idea, what I propose is a city-wide reckless driving day.  Normally, of course, I obey all Atlanta driving rules - observing the legal speed limit (which is the posted speed limit plus seven and a half miles) treating flashing lights like stop signs (that is, slowing to an almost-stop, and then zipping through them) and changing lanes after carefully nudging my bumper across the dotted line to see if anybody honks their horn at me.)  But on Reckless-Driving Day, it's anything goes.  Go twenty-five miles an hour on the Interstate so you can finally savor all those humorous Eat Mor Chickin billboards, drive to work backwards to see if you can reduce the odometer reading on your leased Mercedes, play "pedestrian tag."  This would effectively reduce the number of cars and drivers on the road, alleviating greatly Atlanta's traffic congestion.

Another alternative is carpooling.

Ha ha.  Just kidding again.

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