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Saturday, August 10, 2013

Survival Tips from an Expert

People ask me all the time for my secret of survival.  More specifically, they ask, "How are you still alive?"  In today's blog, I will share my survival secrets in two examples of what others would consider "extreme" scenarios.

"Survival Mode"
Running the Bulls.  Each year between 200 and 300 people are injured running the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, and now far-sighted entrepreneurs are bringing this sport to Georgia!  In October, Georgia rednecks will get to experience the thrills formerly reserved to a few Spanish rednecks, or, as they say in Spanish, cuellos rojos.  How, you ask, can I escaped unscathed, from this melee?  The solution is simple.  First, I have a very good pair of running shoes and comfortable socks.  This is key.  Secondly, I wear Under Armor brand tee-shirts and shorts for maximum comfort.  Third, and this is most important, I will do my running in Atlanta, Georgia.  The bulls will be released in Conyers.  I may even be in the gym if it's raining.

Naked and Afraid.  A reality show drops two contestants - a man and a woman - in the jungle with nothing, not even clothes, to see if they can survive.  Piece of cake.  First of all, I'd make use of half a decade's worth of wood-lore knowledge picked up at summer camps: how to make s'mores, where to find really icky bugs in rotted logs, the story where the maniac leaves his metal hook in the car door.  Then I'd reach deeper into the accumulated knowledge of mankind, which, over thousands of years has erected mighty civilizations, complete with sanitary drinking water, comfortable dry living conditions, ample nourishing food, and clothes.  Then I would apply what millions of years of evolution have provided our species - the true survival instinct which keeps normal, healthy people from taking stupid risks.  I'd stay home, fully clothed.

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