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Saturday, August 24, 2013

Love Song of an NSA Official

WASHINGTON—National Security Agency officers on several occasions have channeled their agency’s enormous eavesdropping power to spy on love interests, U.S. officials said. - Siobhan Gorman, Wall Street Journal

You may leave me, darling, but I will always be there.  I will be the sunrise in the morning and the moon at night, and when you look into the mirror, it will be my face that you see.  I will be the unmanned surveillance drone overhead, the spy satellite in geosynchronous orbit taking pictures of you as you go to the gym or get ready for a date for that so-called best friend of mine, Barry.  

Call me a hopeless romantic, if you wish.  Call me a loser, and a psychopath, and a stalker, and a creep.  It's okay.  I have it all digitally recorded, and will use it in evidence against you later.

I will be in the fields of wildflowers that seem to whisper as you pass, "Come back to me, come back to me."  Each of those flowers is equipped not only with itty-bitty speakers but also tiny little microphones, no bigger than ladybugs.  So please speak clearly and distinctly.  I will be the white utility van with tinted windows that always seems to be parked across the street from your apartment.  

The neighbors' dachshund that greets you each morning with wagging tail, that's me, too.  I had the dog kidnapped and replaced with a specially designed robotic dachshund, so realistic no one can ever tell the difference.  Ha ha.  Which shows how much I love you.  And the little girl with the red tricycle and red hair and the adorable lisp, you know the one.  She's one of my operatives now, I turned her.   

And most of all, I am in your heart.  That's right, if you look deep in your heart, you will find me there.  When you broke up with me, I had you anesthetized, and a team of specially-trained NSA surgeons put a GPS microchip in your heart.  But you can't have it removed without killing yourself, so don't even try.

I love you forever and ever, and I'm watching over you even now.  Don't wear that sweater, darling, you can see your bra right through it.


You Know Who.

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