I Heart Indies

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Dog TV

Direct TV, and I promise I am not making this up, has created a new channel: Dog TV,  The channel will run eight hours a day and air programming exclusively targeted to dogs: trees, other dogs, other dogs' butts, squirrels, etcetera.  The idea is, when you're away at work, Bowser will have something more entertaining to watch than Live! With Kelly and Michael.  The channel is commercial free, but trust me, as soon as they can figure out how to get dogs to buy something, there will be plenty of commercials.  The first trick is to get them to watch.

I conducted a scientific experiment by looking up a clip of Dog TV on You Tube.  It featured a desert-like environment, soft music like at the end of a yoga class, and scenes such as another dog, a tree, the same dog again, the tree again, and then back to the dog, who by this time was sleeping.  I put the computer on the floor and tried to get Zoe interested.  Then, for the purposes of comparison, I played a clip from Live! With Kelly and Michael in which Tyler Perry appears.  Zoe did not seem to enjoy either one, and actually refused to look at the computer screen when Tyler Perry came on the set.  Personally, I found the desert scene with the sleeping dog slightly more intriguing.

My scientific research confirms my initial hypothesis, which is that Dog TV is a bone-headed idea of the highest magnitude.

What we need is Dog Radio.

I wish I could claim credit for this idea, but Nancy came up with it.  I, however, instantly recognized its genius.  For best results, you'd need a quadraphonic stereo system with speakers placed strategically around the house, but there'd be plenty of entertainment value in good old mono.  Dog Radio would feature random playlists of ringing doorbells, car engines starting, and a voice saying, "Come here, here's a treat!  Who wants a treat?"  Sometimes there'd be a sound like a chipmunk scurrying for cover, and it would be digitally mixed so the noise would move from speaker to speaker.  (This is where a quadraphonic system would come in handy.)  Once in a while, for a change of pace, BOOM!  A really loud thunderclap.  Then back to ringing doorbells and chipmunks.

I believe Dog Radio would be wildly entertaining to dogs and to certain very odd people.  I'd probably listen myself.  In the fullness of time, you could probably sell commercials.

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