Saturday, May 11, 2013
Snails! A Slow-Paced Action Thriller Based on Actual Events
Slim Hardman (Matthew McConaughey) is out riding the range, shirtless, when he notices the cattle are "acting funny over yonder." He begins to form suspicions, and two days later investigates where he discovers snails! He immediately spurs his horse and races back to the ranch, but then decides, what the heck, and slows to a walk. He contacts his neighbor Trisha (Jennifer Lawrence) who just happens to be swimming laps in a revealing bikini, and asks her to take a look, "when she has a chance." A few days later they ride out to check on the situation, and she says yes, they are definitely snails and possibly Giant African Snails. (Cue dramatic music.) She suggests he write a letter to the county extension office. On the way back, they're caught in a sudden rainstorm and Trisha's sheer cotton blouse is soaked to her skin. Tension continues to mount as Trisha asks Slim each day about the letter; first he's forgotten to write it, then he hasn't "gotten around to mail it," etcetera, as the deadly snails creep ever closer, ever closer...
UPDATE ON NEWS STORY: The Giant African Snails were misidentified. They were actually Rosy Wolf Snails, a harmless indigenous species.