Monday, May 20, 2013
For My Birthday
And might I add, Ray.
The truth is, as you get older, birthdays become less and less of a big deal. I don't expect much, really.
Of course, I'd like my facebook friends to wish me a happy birthday. That'd be nice. George Saunders is one of my facebook friends, as are Amy Tan and Francine Prose. It'd be nice if they took the trouble to type, "Happy birthday," in the little message box. But I don't really expect them to. They never have before and I'm sure they have busy lives, so it's okay, really.
Of course, I'd like a cake if possible. Who doesn't like cake? And I don't need any candles on it, and it doesn't have to say "Happy birthday" or anything. Just a nice cake. By the way, Red Velvet is my favorite, in case you're curious. But I don't like Red Velvet cake from the Kroger; it just doesn't taste good. I don't know why. If there's a decent bakery, you could pick one up fresh, otherwise, homemade is fine.
And a card. Just a simple card. Nothing jokey, where the punchline is basically, "Ha-ha, you're old." Nothing with a girl in a bikini on the outside and then an old lady on the inside. Just a tasteful card wishing me happy birthday. If you want to put a gift-certificate in it, that'd be nice, but please nothing to Starbucks or something like that. Just an amazon gift certificate so I can get what I want instead going down and drinking an over-priced frapucino. Or money. Just a couple of crisp twenties in a nice, tasteful card wishing me happy birthday. That would be nice.
And if you really want to buy me a gift, you could get me a pony. Ha ha, just kidding, I don't want a pony. Everyone always says they wanted a pony as a kid, but I never did. Actually my tastes are very simple and I wouldn't want you to give me a pony, unless you were also going to give me a stable to keep it in, and maybe twenty acres. I don't want you to go to that much trouble. What I'd really like is a pet fox. They have bred some that are wonderfully tame and make great pets. They only cost about $425, which I'm sure is much cheaper than all but the cheapest ponies. If you can't afford to buy a pet fox by yourself, you could chip in with several other people for one. That's probably a good idea, because it would be very embarrassing if I got two pet foxes and had to return one. That brings up another point, if you do get me a pet fox, be sure to include a gift receipt so I can exchange it if I have to. For example, if you bought me a pet fox, but then George Saunders, Amy Tan, and Francine Prose all chipped in to buy one and showed up at my front door with a fox in a red bow, yelling "surprise!" naturally, I'd have to keep theirs. But if I have your gift receipt I could redeem your pet fox for cash and buy myself something nice on Amazon or even go to Starbucks if I felt like it. Or maybe I'd just buy myself an extra bag of Purina Fox Chow at the pet fox store.
Anyway, that's about it. A few well-wishes from friends, a nice homemade red velvet cake, a tasteful card with some cash in it, and maybe a pet fox.
Happy birthday, me.