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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

For the Defense

TEMECULA, Calif. — A Tennessee man who stole a big-rig truck in California, caused several accidents and told investigators he was fleeing zombies when he did it has pleaded guilty to several felonies.  CHP investigators say Hartline told them he had to speed and swerve because he was fleeing from the walking dead. - San Diego Union Times

Jody Gwyn, former president of the LaCoste National Bank in LaCoste, Texas, now serving a five-year sentence for making false entries in the books, now claims he had to do so because of zombies.  "Some of those bad loans were to the walking dead, and you don't collect from the walking dead.  They collect from you."

Lee Farakas, who was found guilty of misappropriating $3 billion and attempting to defraud the Troubled Asset Relief program of another half billion, says zombies weren't the only ones responsible for his crimes.  "It was vampires, too.  Zombies are bad enough, but they're stupid and relatively slow-moving.  You can outwit a zombie.  But when vampires are on your tail, you can't even trust yourself to go to sleep.  I had to take immediate action, or I'd have been toast."

Onel de Guzman, the Filipino computer student responsible for the "Love Bug" virus that crippled email systems in the Pentagon and the British government, says he was compelled to do so because of bats.  "They were just ordinary bats," Guzman admits, "but what can I say?  Those things just creep me out."

In an upcoming tell-all book, Bernie Madoff explains it was a combination of zombies, werewolves, and "assorted booger-headed space aliens" who compelled him to operate his hedge fund as a Ponzi scheme, defrauding investors out of billions of dollars.  "I won't give away the particulars," his publisher says, "but when you read it for yourself, you'll realize Bernie had no choice but to act as he did.  Lord Xarnak from Planet Kloon alone is enough to make you do almost anything.  Yeesh."

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