I Heart Indies

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Apologies All Round


Less than three hours after their dog escaped from the backyard, Allen and Alison Holmes found out their 17-year-old pet Basie had been euthanized at a local animal hospital.  Basie suffered from a variety of health problems, but the couple insisted the dog "was not ready to go," WUSA details. In addition, the animal hospital's examination report indicates the dog was "alert" and "responsive."  Cases similar to Basie's aren't as rare as one might think. In 2010, a dog once hailed as a "war hero" was put down by a local Arizona animal control. The dog had been claimed by its owners after escaping from home, but was later put down after a worker accidentally took the wrong dog to have the procedure.  A Texas family's dog was also euthanized after several mix-ups with a local animal shelter in 2009. The animal was put to sleep before the family could pick it up. - Huffington Post

We are sorry to have euthanized your valuable trained parrot.  It was brought to the shelter by a woman who believed it to be an "extremely colorful mutant pigeon."  During its examination, the bird kept repeating, "Polly want a cracker, Polly want a cracker!" in a loud screechy voice similar to rusty nails being dragged down a chalkboard.  Since we had no crackers, we decided putting the bird down was the best for all concerned.  We sincerely apologize for our error.

Please accept our sincere condolences for the loss of your white mouse "Sparky."  When Sparky arrived in our shelter, the staff immediately agreed he was a delightful rodent.  Unfortunately, owing to a clerical oversight, Sparky was housed in a cage with "Captain Kirk," a reticulated ball python.  While eating Sparky, Captain Kirk asphyxiated and died.  A separate note of condolence was sent to his owners.

We regret the accidental deaths of your Sea Monkeys, Harry, Larry, Jerry, Mary, Barry, Terri. Kerry, Derry, Sheri, Clairey, Beriberi, Non-Dairy, Dysentery, and Frank.  We mistakenly placed the tank on top of a radiator and no one suspected anything wrong until we noticed the smell.  Please accept our apologies.

We are glad to report your pet Llama, "Sidney," is in fine shape and awaiting your arrival to pick him up...  and...  uh-oh. Wait a minute.  We just killed him.  Sorry.

Your pet tortoise, "Sam," has regretfully died in a tragic accident involving a scientific experiment among our staff members.  Sam was a good turtle, and we're sure he will be greatly missed.  He met his end bravely, and his shell was capable of supporting the weight of an impressive five cinder blocks.

We regret the loss of your pet pachyderm, "Tiny."  We have no reason to believe he is dead at this time, merely lost.  One of our staff members said he had seen him just a moment before and "then he was gone."  We have distributed posters describing the elephant so he can be found and returned to the safety of the shelter.

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