I Heart Indies

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

When I Was a Bad Boy

I used to have crazy sex appeal.  No really.  I had to beat the women off with a stick.  A woman would say to her girlfriend, "Who's that cute guy over there with the stick?"  And her friend would say, "I don't know.  Let's check him out."

My secret?  I was a "bad boy," and we all know, the chicks are crazy about bad boys.

For example, one of my bad boy tricks was drinking coffee in the car, and you're probably thinking, "What's so bad about that?"  But wait - what I'd do is spill the coffee in the console, and I wouldn't wipe it up.  Or I would wipe it up, but not very effectively, like with some Taco Veloz napkins or something.  (Another thing the babes dig is a guy who eats a lot of fast food and leaves the trash in his car.)  So anyway, the spilled coffee would just congeal into a gummy mess, like a little La Brea Tar Pit.  That little stunt worked great for me, I can tell you.  Uma Thurman would accidentally get her fingers in it and go, "Yuck!  You are dis-gus-ting!"  And then she'd go all quivery.  Magic.

Another of my tricks had to do with Oreo cookies.  You can do it with almost anything good to eat, but Oreo cookies work best.  First you wait until the woman buys some Oreos - you can't buy them yourself or it doesn't count.  Then, you eat all the cookies except the last two.  It's like you're saving the last two for her or something, like you expect her to be grateful you're not such a pig you ate the entire bag.  Michelle Pfieffer hated it when I'd do that.  Hated it and loved it, if you know what I mean.  She'd be on the phone crying to her friend Susan Sarandon about how I'd eaten all but the last two cookies again, but next thing you know, she'd be all snuggled up to me.  The bad boy allure worked again.  And then the next time we were out to dinner with our friends, Susan'd be giving me the eye like, "What's he got that's so special," like she wanted to give the old Man-o-Lovin' a whirl herself.

I remember what used to drive Nicole Kidman wild was something I did after taking a shower.  I wouldn't dry off.  Simple, right?  Simple but effective.  I'd track water everywhere, especially on the hardwood.  I've got a fair amount of body hair - I'm no grizzly bear, but I'm moderately hairy - and it's surprising how much water will stay on me until I'm walking over an expensive hardwood floor.  Nicole hated it, I tell you, but it kept drawing her in against her will.  It was irresistible.  Finally she left me for Tom Cruise so she could "get some sanity" in her life.

Anyway, I know what all you ladies out there in blog-land are thinking, but it's too late.  I'm off the market.  I still get up to my bad boy tricks, just to keep the ol' magic alive.  And they still work, too.  They drive Nancy crazy.  Just ask her.

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