Tuesday, April 2, 2013
When I Was a Bad Boy
My secret? I was a "bad boy," and we all know, the chicks are crazy about bad boys.
For example, one of my bad boy tricks was drinking coffee in the car, and you're probably thinking, "What's so bad about that?" But wait - what I'd do is spill the coffee in the console, and I wouldn't wipe it up. Or I would wipe it up, but not very effectively, like with some Taco Veloz napkins or something. (Another thing the babes dig is a guy who eats a lot of fast food and leaves the trash in his car.) So anyway, the spilled coffee would just congeal into a gummy mess, like a little La Brea Tar Pit. That little stunt worked great for me, I can tell you. Uma Thurman would accidentally get her fingers in it and go, "Yuck! You are dis-gus-ting!" And then she'd go all quivery. Magic.
I remember what used to drive Nicole Kidman wild was something I did after taking a shower. I wouldn't dry off. Simple, right? Simple but effective. I'd track water everywhere, especially on the hardwood. I've got a fair amount of body hair - I'm no grizzly bear, but I'm moderately hairy - and it's surprising how much water will stay on me until I'm walking over an expensive hardwood floor. Nicole hated it, I tell you, but it kept drawing her in against her will. It was irresistible. Finally she left me for Tom Cruise so she could "get some sanity" in her life.
Anyway, I know what all you ladies out there in blog-land are thinking, but it's too late. I'm off the market. I still get up to my bad boy tricks, just to keep the ol' magic alive. And they still work, too. They drive Nancy crazy. Just ask her.