Have you tried the same non-effective "yo-yo" dieting schemes (one yo-yo for breakfast, two yo-yo's for lunch, and a light salad at dinner) and useless exercise routines? (Bench-pressing actual benches, swimming laps in the Kardashian gene pool) Still can't lose weight? If you're really sincere about weight loss, desperate, or simply deranged, try these quick tips.
1. Carry Twenty Helium Balloons: Not only will you weigh less on the scales, looking like a circus clown will distract people's attention from you gut.
2. Install Rabid Ferrets in Your Home: Highly aerobic and great conversation pieces.
3. Hang From a Chin-Up Bar with Fifty-Pound Weights Tied to Your Ankles: You're not overweight, you're just under-tall.
4. Carry a Hammer With You at All Times: Every time you come across a fattening food, hit yourself on head until temptation passes.
6. Turn on the Autopsy Channel at Dinnertime.