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Sunday, April 21, 2013

Tip O'Neill in Heaven

"
...Congressman Lehman told... Speaker (Tip O'Neill) that I had worked hard all summer.  The Speaker looked at me, then reached over and patted my head. He turned to the congressman and remarked, "She's pretty."  Then he turned his attention back to me and asked just one question: "Are you a pom-pom girl?"  ...I was crushed...I felt belittled... [I could only reply] I was too busy studying... The Speaker just patted me on the head - again! - and moved along." - Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In

So it's great being in heaven, what with having wings and all, better than my own private jet.  (Laughs)  Of course, the best thing is the memories. For instance, I remember when I first became House Majority Leader, back in '73, which was due to tragic circumstances.  (The previous leader had died in a plane crash.)  But it was a time of momentous events.  I was one of the first to call for Nixon's impeachment.  Also, in that time period, Moshe Dyan, the Defense Minister of Israel, introduced me to a little lady.  I told Moshe she was "cute as a button," and tickled her under her chin.  I asked her if she spent much time twirling batons.  Well, she gave me a funny look and said she was too busy just then fighting the Yom Kippur War.  So I told her how cute she was, and tickled her under her chin again.  Her name was Goldie Meir, or something like that...  Of course, a lot of people ask me about Reagan.  I thought he was dead wrong on virtually every issue under the sun, but the fact is, we liked each other personally.  And that's the way it is in politics.  You have to be a people-person.  For instance, I was traveling over across the pond, and William Whitelaw, the British Home Secretary, introduced me to someone or other, and I decided to make a good impression, and told William I thought she was "just adorable."  I patted her on the head and tickled her under the chin for good measure, and asked her if she ever played with Barbie dolls over in England.  She got kind of huffy about it and said she really had her hands full what with rescuing the economy and defending the Falkland Islands.  Her name was - was Marge or Maggie - oh, that's right, Maggie Thatcher.  I could tell she was sensitive on the subject because I guess they don't have Barbies over there, so I told her she was precious, and patted her head again.  Of course, as great as life was, it's nothing compared to heaven.  Heaven is tops.  Halos, the Continual Presence of God, soft-serve ice cream, the works.  And you'll never guess who I got to meet the other day.  Louis XIV of France, that's right!  The Sun King himself!  "L'etat c'est moi."  I was pretty thrilled, I can tell you.  Well, Lou, he asked me to call him Lou, introduces me to someone, and at first I thought it was a guy, because he's dressed up like a knight, but then I take another look, and it's a girl!  Joan of Arc, her name was, which is kind of a funny name, but I think I knew some "Ofarcs" from Boston.  Anyhow, I was sort of taken aback, but I didn't let it show, and told Lou I thought she was "pretty as a picture."  Then I patted her on the head, which sort of hurt, what with the helmet and all, and asked her if back on earth she ever got to dress up in a cheerleader outfit or anything like that.  Joanie was a strange one, I can tell you, because all she said was she'd been a little too busy saving France and earning sainthood.  I patted her on the helmet again, but honestly, to this day I'm not sure what she was talking about. Dames.

1 comment:

  1. I had always heard that Joan of Arc was hot! (Wakka Wakka)

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