I Heart Indies

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Stockholder Report

Ladies and gentleman, we are in a slump and there's no way to deny it.  We might as well call it what it is.  Slumpity-slump-slump.  Slumpsy-daisy.  El Slumpo.  Slump City.

For years we got by selling those little chromium "naked lady" silhouettes to truck drivers.  Then we added the "Jesus fish" decals people could attach to their bumper stickers to be all religious and stuff and sales picked up.  A while later, someone came up with the hot idea to stick little legs on one of the fish and label it "Darwin" like it was evolving.  Genius!  Not only did we sell about a zillion of those, we sold even more of the original "Jesus fish" because naturally fundamentalist Christians couldn't let the ideological war of bumper stickers - where all significant political and social debate occurs - be won by a bunch of danged agnostic secular humanists.  Those were the glory days, which is when we installed the Jacuzzi in the executive washroom and added the sushi bar in the employee cafeteria.

And then - !  Just when we thought things couldn't get any better, someone came up with a Jesus fish eating a Darwin fish!  The money just rolled in!  It was whacko-crazy!  We bought the janitor a private jet and added pet psychic coverage to the insurance.

But after that, I just don't know.  We came out with a Cthulhu bumper sticker with little wings, tentacles, and feet, but no one really seemed to appreciate the humor.  Not enough Lovecraft fans, I guess.  We came up with a "filet-o-fish" bumper decal, but it was just a rectangle and no one bought any of those at all.  Ditto for the fish that said "Eat mor chikn."  People complained it was "confusing" and they "didn't get it," that they couldn't tell if it was supposed to be "a fish or a cow," which is stupid because clearly anyone could see it was a fish.

So we went back to the drawing board and decided to weigh in on the whole gay marriage thing, you know, give citizens a chance to express their convictions on this issue in chromium bumper stickers.  We had two fish, to symbolize traditional marriage, sort of get the controversy-ball rolling, an opening shot if you will.  But people couldn't tell it was supposed to be a man and a woman fish, so we went back and added breasts to the woman fish and a penis to the man fish.  This resulted in a court injunction and several lawsuits.  Which leads us to where we are now.

A slump.  Slump-o-rama.  Slumpzilla.  Slunpsville.

So it's back to the naked ladies for awhile until we come up with the next big thing.  Maybe a naked lady with a weird out-sized head and toothpicks for arms labeled Darwin?  Maybe a lady being crucified labeled Jesus?

I don't know.  We have to think of something.

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