I Heart Indies

Saturday, April 27, 2013

My Permanent Record

Saudi Arabia... made headlines earlier this month after supposedly deporting three men for being too handsome.  (There were reportedly concerns their good looks would prove too tempting for Saudi women.) - Ryan Grenoble, Huffington Post

May 20, 1959: Maternity nurse states newborn Emanuel Martin is just "too, too adorable."  Authorities are notified.  Mr. and Mrs. Martin, as the responsible parties, are fined.

April 13, 1966: Class picture features young Mannie Martin in a red bowtie and a cowlick, grinning with a missing tooth.  The picture is "just precious."  Fistfights ensue over possession of the photograph.  The photographer is tracked down to his apartment, jailed, and his equipment confiscated.

September 15, 1968: Arrives at school looking "too cute for his own good."  Advised to return home and "ugly up a little."

November 3, 1970: Removed from school for causing a school disturbance, "too cute."

October 5, 1971: Too cute.  Suspension from school.

September 18, 1972: After a dangerously escalating trend toward criminal handsomeness, Man Martin develops a chronic case of acne which is to last the next four years.  Authorities breathe a collective sigh of relief.  Martin disappears from the records.

April 18, 1976: Campus-wide panic ensues during freshman orientation at Georgia College.  Moments before the National Guard can be mobilized, the source of the disturbance is traced to "that guy with the curly brown hair, those green eyes, and that impish smile."

August 3, 1980: The FBI begins surveillance of Martin for looks that "threaten national security."  Three female agents take disability leave for documented heartbreak before the bureau can specify "no cameras or telephoto lenses" can be used in the investigation.

October 15, 1984: Working jointly the CIA and FBI develop secret plan, code named "Operation For-God's-Sake-If-Man-Martin-Gets-Any-Better-Looking-The-Rest-Of-Us-Won't-Ever-Stand-A-Chance."  Scientists believe by introducing male-pattern baldness gene into DNA, crisis can be averted.

June 8, 1986: Aerial photographs confirm sightings of "widening bald spot" on Martin's head.

May 21, 1992: Martin attempts hairstyle known as "comb-over."  That night there is a champagne celebration at FBI headquarters.

February 2, 2001: Martin begins wearing reading glasses.  Newly-appointed Director of FBI, Robert Mueller gives speech to staff, "Mission Accomplished."  File on Martin officially closed.

1 comment:

  1. April 27, 2013: Newly-appointed FBI Director Robert Mueller getting first reports of a devilishly good looking "mature" gentleman in the Atlanta metro area that looks suspiciously like the legendary "MM" he has heard whispers of ever since taking over the position. "Oh no God, please, I have too much on my plate as it is" he groans.