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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Interpol on Trail of Nutella Thieves

BERLIN - Police said Monday an unknown number of culprits made off with 5 metric tons (5.5 tons) of Nutella chocolate-hazelnut spread from a parked trailer in the central German town of Bad Hersfeld over the weekend.  The loot is worth an estimated 16,000 euros ($20,710). Germans news agency dpa reported that thieves have previously stolen a load of energy drinks from the same location. - Associated Press

Naturally as soon as the crime was discovered, Interpol called me.  This was about 6:00 AM German time, or 12:00 noon our time, or about 12:15 by the clock in the living room.  The cell phone rang, and as soon as I could find it and answer it, they filled me in on the whole caper.

I knew it was bad.  Real bad.

Nutella is the key to the whole European economy; not being advanced like we are over here, they send their kids to school with Nutella sandwiches instead of peanut butter and jelly.  Nutella, in case you never heard of it, is basically peanut butter for people who don't know any better; it's made of hazelnuts which is kind of a snooty peanut substitute and chocolate because basically who's going to eat hazelnut butter?  In any case, without Nutella, the whole shabby edifice known as the so-called European civilization crumbles like a stack of saltines.

The more I heard about this heist the more I liked it less.  Turns out that earlier in the week the crooks swiped a whole truckload of Red Bull energy drinks from the same location.  This means whoever's behind this, they're caffeinated, and on top of that they drink Red Bull with Nutella, which also means they're crazy.  I didn't want to be too harsh, but I was bound to wonder why anyone would leave a trailer of valuable comestibles untended in a town called Bad Hersfeld in the first place.  I mean it wasn't Good Hersfeld or even In-Between Hersfeld, but Bad Hersfeld.  That's like handing your money over to Bernie Madoff or dating Taylor Swift.  You're pretty much asking for it.

I'm pretty sure the mastermind of the whole thing is Sheik Mocha Fashizzel, the ruthless Middle Eastern sandwich dealer.  Last year, you may recall, Fashizzel took responsibility for the theft of two tons of bacon, and the armed robbery of four hundred Better Boy tomatoes and two hundred heads of lettuce, along with an additional ton of white bread.  He was foiled when his operatives were taken captive in an unsuccessful raid of a mayonnaise warehouse.

When they bring in suspects for questioning, they should look for anyone unable to answer clearly until he's had a glass of milk.  That person will lead them straight to Fashizzel.

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