I Heart Indies

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Instructions for Filling Out Your 1040 WTF

Welcome to Typhon-Tax Software Program!  Simply answer a few questions and we'll prepare your State and Federal Income Tax Forms for you!  Let's get started, shall we?

1. Write your total income from 2012.

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2. Ouch. How many deductions are you claiming?

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3. Seriously, how many deductions are you claiming?

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4. You cannot claim a basset hound as a dependent.

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5. That's better.  Now how much money was withheld for federal and state taxes?

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6. As much as that?  Jeez, they really take a bite, don't we?  Are you a veteran, legally blind, or
did you operate a operate a soybean thresher in 2012?

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7.  No, huh?  That's too bad.  The government doles out mucho big tax breaks to soybean thresher operators.  Are you married or single?

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8. If you are married, are you married filing jointly, married filing separately, married filing for divorce but not telling anybody yet because you don't want people all up in your business?

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9. Are you gay?  I don't care personally, but the IRS is kind of iffy right now about same-sex couples filing jointly.

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10. Did you use a water filter this year?  If so, you may be eligible for a Pure-Water Tax Credit.  Add up your annual water bill, divide by the number of faucets, spigots, and toilets in your house.  Now multiply by the original cost of the water filter(s).

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11.  Ha ha.  Just kidding.  There's no such thing as a Pure-Water Tax Credit.

12. You really should consider getting a soybean thresher; it could save you a lot of money.  Did you receive any inheritances in 2012?

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13.  What about from Aunt Millie?  You were always talking about how much loot she had.

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14. No, that's a shame.  Your so-called relatives really screwed you on that one, didn't they?  Did you earn any money from your investments?

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15. Ha-ha-ha-ha.  Is that all?  Jesus, don't even bother reporting it.  Seriously, you'll just embarrass yourself.

16. Look, let's save everyone a whole bunch of trouble.  Just give the IRS access to your bank accounts and they'll take out as much as we need, and if there's extra, they'll send it right back.

17. Seriously, next year look into getting a soybean thresher.

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