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Sunday, April 7, 2013

Entertainment Wrap-Up with Kim Jong-Un

Hot AMW (Actress, Model, Whatever) Lindsay Lohan is back on the market after breaking up with so-called rocker Avi Snow.  (What kind of rocker doesn't do drugs?  I've seen Weebles who were bigger rockers.)  Lindsay sure keeps us guessing; she tweeted she was pregnant on April 1.  Ver-ee funn-ee, Lindsay.  Just for that, I'm stationing 4,000 troops outside your Manhattan Apartment...Renaissance woman Kim Kardashian has finally given up Slut-Couture to wear some appropriate maternity clothes.  It's about time, bee-yotch, you're only six months pregnant.  As a reward, I'm taking my 250-man Kardashian Strike-Force Team off full alert... Painfully shy prepubescent pop-icon Justin Bieber strolled shirtless through a Lodz airport, his sagging pants displaying about three inches of whitey-tighty.  (Note to Justin: check calendar.  That look is over.)  That didn't stop Polish fans from turning out in the thousands to see him.  Justin, as a gift from yours truly, there'll be a Cougar waiting in your hotel room.  Not a sexually aggressive older woman, an actual Cougar.  And as far as Poland, two words: Ka-Boom... Now that hillbilly hottie and ironically-named Taylor Swift has broken up with most recent beau, ironically named Harry Styles, rumor has it she has her eye on a certain fella "with a body like the Pillsbury Doughboy" who "knows how to use his nuclear warhead."  Just be careful, Taylor, don't play with matches unless you want to get burned...  That's all for now.  Ta-ta from Pyongyang.

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