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Monday, March 4, 2013

What is Becoming of Our Nation's Bosoms?

My daily perusal of the internet has convinced me that some portentous and potentially calamitous transformation is taking place among our nation's bosoms.  I first noticed this in advertisements appearing in the sidebar of my email, telling me of secrets to increase my testosterone.  These notices are always accompanied by photos of women with freakishly large bosoms.  Enough said!  Too much testosterone, and you'll have freakishly large bosoms, too!  I'll steer clear.

But then, I noticed this eerie condition was spreading.  Other informative messages tell me that I can make a fortune investing in "Penny Stocks," which sounds like something you'd want to do except the illustration is always - you guessed it - a woman, again with insanely out-sized mammary glands.  Should I risk making a fortune in Penny Stocks if it's going to tempt me into some bizarre breast augmentation therapy?

Perhaps if this chilling syndrome had confined itself to testosterone treatments and day-trading, I could rest easy, but it has not.  A message informing me that Obama has eased restrictions on refinancing my home is again accompanied by a woman who looks as if she'd stuffed two bowling balls into her blouse, ditto for an announcement of marvelous savings on car insurance.  Are these financial benefits offered out of sympathy for the terrible back pain the unfortunate women must suffer on a daily basis?  And now, I see language-learning programs are also accompanied by illustrations of women - studious-looking women, they wear heavy-framed eyeglasses - who also have gargantuan bosoms.  What accounts for this terrible and no doubt painful inflammation?  Can it be reversed?  Is it contagious?

Seth MacFarlane received a lot of flak for his performance during the Oscars, particularly for a song and dance number, "We Saw Your Boobs."  I did not see the Oscars myself, because they come on after my bedtime, but perhaps - and I offer this speculation only out of a wish to charitably interpret Mr. MacFarlane's motivations - perhaps he was not being boorish and vulgar after all.  Perhaps it was a heartfelt and urgent warning, wrapped in a cheery song and dance number to achieve a greater impact.  "We've seen your boobs!  We've seen your boobs!  For God's sake, seek medical help at once, we've seen your boobs!"

Again, I do not know Mr MacFarlane's motivation for the song, but it would not be amiss in any case, if we took it not as a jejune attempt at humor but as a sincere call to arms against a condition which may threaten every woman on the planet.

Dear Lord, I just saw a message about checking my credit score.  The woman in the picture looked like the letter "P."  The crisis is upon us.  We must act.


  1. Welp, it would appear that every dish is better when lucsious melons are served up on the side.

  2. Actually, the "We've Seen Your Boobs" singer and wretched Oscar host was Seth MacFarlane, but there's not much difference between the two. (Tit for tat, you might say.)