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Friday, March 1, 2013

Progress Marches On: The Oreo Cookie Separator

Physicist David Neevel has created a machine that takes individual Oreos, flips them perpendicular on sort of a paddle, and then saws them in half, thus saving mankind the tedium of twisting the Oreo apart for ourselves.

Some comments on this.

Some might take this as the opportunity to inveigh against American culture, that we are so spoiled, we want to eat only the sweetest part of a cookie and so lazy we dream of ways to save ourselves the trouble of making this happen.  But this is to miss the point.  I myself eat the whole Oreo, unseparated and undefiled; I figure this is the way Jesus made them, and mine is not to question the order of creation.  I do not judge those who see it otherwise, however, and neither to I especially condemn the Oreo Corporation for marketing double-stuffed Oreos in a blatant attempt to shamelessly pander to the degenerate tastes of a hedonistic America.

The point is, how many of us have taken the time to know the true David Neevel.  Did you know that he is the co-inventor of the deodorant koozy?  The word koozy is trademarked, so he is forbidden to call it that, but a deodorant koozy is what it is, and I'm sure it is what many lucky beneficiaries of Neevel's invention call it.  For some reason the deodorant koozy is shaped like a bear; why this is so, who can say, but the best answer perhaps is that Neevel wanted it so, and there you have it.

Neevel also, on the day he quit his job, nailed his alarm clock to a tree.  What a lovely and apt piece of symbolism.  The rest of us might make do with singing Johnny Paycheck's "Take this Job and Shove It," or wearing a sprig of mistletoe taped to our butts as we walk out the door, but it fell to Neevel to nail his clock to a tree.

Clearly Neevel is sort of a Mad Genius, and if ever this great nation of ours has needed another Mad Genius, it is now.  I toast you David Neevel, a glass of milk and an unbroken Oreo in my hands.

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