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Saturday, March 30, 2013

Operating Manual for Your Body

Dear Mortal Being:
Congratulations on your acquisition of a human body!  The Powers That Be have spent billions of years crafting this out of the finest organic chemicals available, and with proper maintenance, this body may give you sensory experiences and "knowledge" for decades to come.

Warranties and Guarantees


You are guaranteed to live and die; other than that, there are no guarantees.

All human bodies arrive "as is" and are not warrantied against defective workmanship or accidental breakage.  This body is version 2.0, which Natural Selection has concluded is an improvement over homosapiens 1.0, or the neanderthal, which, while it had a bigger brain, reproduced more slowly and was incapable at laughing at fellow neanderthals for falling down or stepping in mastodon poop.  Nevertheless, many human bodies may contain genes giving a predisposition to Alzheimer disease, Hodgkins, Parkinsons, Lou Gehrig's Disease, Hungtingtons, osteoporosis, hydrocephaly, microcephaly, macrocephaly, spinal bifida, hypertension, schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder, dandruff, migraines, PMS, cancer, heart failure, diabetes, downs syndrome, male-pattern baldness, female-pattern baldness, hemophilia, sickle-cell anemia, lupus, brittle bones syndrome, agromegaly, buck teeth, crossbite, overbite, underbite, webbed toes, cystic fibrosis, muscular distrophy, fragile x syndrome, and Bloom Syndrome, among others.

Additionally, human bodies should avoid extreme heat, extreme cold, extreme wet, extreme dry, rain, snow, avalanches, meteors, volcanoes, earthquakes, fires, glaciers, white sharks, bears, microbes, fungi, pointed sticks, scissors, Bernie Madoff, alcohol, artificial sweeteners, petrochemicals, inert gasses, ert gasses, ticks, fleas, paper cuts, chainsaws, automatic weapons, refined sugar, tobacco, cocaine, methamphetamine, busy intersections, public toilets, dark alleys, oversleep, undersleep, malnutrition, contaminated water, mosquitoes, and warfare, among others.


Operating

Your human body is already loaded with a basic operating system that will take care of autonomic functions such as breathing and respiration for you, saving you trouble and worry.  (Unless you have infantile paralysis, polio, severe head trauma or other conditions which impede the operation of the autonomic nervous system, in which case, see "Warranties and Guarantees" above.)  Additionally, you have certain quasi-instinctual behaviors such as friendship and sexual attraction.  Some models may have conditions such as autism, aspergers syndrome, schizophrenia, among others which may make the formation of friendships particularly difficult, in which case, see note on Warranties and Guarantees.  Additionally, you may find yourself hopelessly attracted to sexual partners who are "out of your league," leading to rejection, loneliness, low self-esteem, and misery.  This is perfectly normal and is covered under Warranties and Guarantees.

Furthermore, your body will require regular feeding and watering.  There are a limited number of substances which can be used for this purpose.  Rocks, for example, should not be ingested.  Nor should hydrochloric acid, carbon monoxide, or carpet tacks.  There is no guarantee that your body will be placed in a habitat where food or clean water is available.  See Warranties and Guarantees.


Shutting Down

You need not worry about "turning off" your body.  When it is no longer functional, it will automatically shut down.  This is referred to as death.  Prior to death you may experience memory loss, loss of bowel and bladder control, loss of major muscle control, tremors, personality changes, physical pain, and depression.

These are normal occurrences and are covered under Warranties and Guarantees.


FAQS

Is anything certain besides death?
     See Warranties and Guarantees

Is there any purpose to life, am I here for a reason?
     No information available.

Is there is anything waiting for me after I die?
     No information available.

Does "no information available," mean there is information, but it's just not available to me because the Powers That Be are keeping it hidden for some reason, or does it mean the writers of this manual don't know the information, or that there is no information, that there are no answers, just a swirling chaos of particles that somehow have created life and consciousness? 
     No information available.

1 comment:

  1. Could be worse. At least we don't have that dreaded "Batteries Not Included" or "Some Assembly Required" stamped across our back ends.

    ReplyDelete