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Friday, February 1, 2013

Stinkin' Rich

Ken Wilman was walking his dog along Morecambe beach when the canine became interested by what Wilman initially thought was a large, smelly rock.  Little did he know that the big, stinky lump might fetch him a small fortune. Wilman rushed back to the beach after a web search revealed the identity of his find.  The rare, waxy substance is believed to originate in the digestive tracts of sperm whales. Ambergris is highly valued by perfumers as a fixative and can fetch tidy sums.  Chris Hill, curator at the Aquarium of the Lakes in Cumbria,valued Wilman's ambergris at up to $180,000. - Andres Jauregui, The Huffington Post

Dear Potential Investor:
As you are aware, there are 47 documented whales in captivity, and single block of whale vomit, known as ambergis, is worth over $150,000.
The only challenge is getting whales to vomit on command, but each challenge is an obstacle in disguise.  Thus far we have attempted every conventional means of inducing vomit.  We have tickled their glottis with a broomstick, we have made them drink dishwater, we have fed them ice cream and cake and then spun them on giant merry-go-rounds, we have made them watch back-t0-back episodes of Parenthood.  None of this has worked.
We know what you are thinking - did you try feeding them dishwater, ice cream, and cake, then spinning them on a merry-go-round and making them watch Parenthood while tickling their glottis with a broomstick all at the same time?  We tried that, too.  Nothing.

This is where you come in; with your seed money, we will fund the production of high-quality magazines, television shows, and movies, all geared at the Cetacean market.  These will prominently feature svelte, toned marine mammals with unbelievably narrow waists and slim thighs, or whatever you call the portion of a whale's anatomy where the thigh would be.  Naturally, images of "supermodel" whales will take massive amounts of air-brushing and computer enhancement to seem realistic.  From infancy onward, each generation of captive whales will be bombarded with these images, convincing them that the "right" way for a whale to look is represented by these ludicrously distorted images, and that the natural whale body is fat and unattractive.

We will introduce dieting and exercise schemes to "assist the whales" reach their weight goals, but of course, this will be deliberately designed to be not only arduous, but ineffective.  Each token weight loss of a few hundred pounds - we're talking about whales, here, remember - will be followed by a corresponding weight gain; meanwhile the tantalizing images of hyper-slim whales continue to goad them onward.  After their inevitable weight-loss set-backs, we will provide the whales ample access to cookie-dough ice-cream and chocolate brownies, foods that will not only provide a temporary sense of comfort, but will complete undo, and indeed reverse, any weight-loss.

Soon the whales will establish a frustrating cycle of weight loss and gain, at which point, we need only wait for them to take the inevitable next step.

Some people will laugh and say, "Who ever heard of a bulimic whale?"  There are those who see things as they are and ask "Why?" and others who see them as they might be and ask "Why not?"  To restate the statistics; a single chunk of ambergis is worth over $150,000.  There are forty-seven documented whales in captivity.  A typical human bulimic purges two times per week.  This represents a potential profit of $131,000,000 per week, or over $6,550,000,000 annually.

We await your check.


Arthur "Ahab" Hoffstaeder
CEO OrcaPuke, Inc

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