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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Shakespeare's Agent

Bill,

Just read the screenplay treatment for King Lear, love it, love it, LOVE IT!

The studio boys have just a couple of minor suggestions, you know, just some minor tweaks, you know, we'd never dream of changing your script, just nudge it here and there.

First of all, Cordelia, what a great character.  Loyal, outspoken, tough.  We picture her being played by Anne Hathaway.  Just one minor thing, the screenplay doesn't have a lot of ess-ee-ex in it, does it?  We were thinking, maybe during the storm scene, the rain soaks her thin cotton blouse to her skin.  You getting a visual here, Bill?  Maybe her whole dress could get ripped off altogether in a tornado.  Only problem is, Cordelia's not in the storm scene.  See the problem here?  Now Edgar's in the storm scene - we're hoping for Zac Ephron - and he's stripped naked pretending to be a lunatic.  Now that's great, only problem is, audiences won't pay to see a guy naked, even if  it is Zac Ephron.  We don't know why, it's just the way it is.  They'll pay to see a naked girl, but not a guy.  Anne's never done a nude scene, but she says she'd be willing to, if it's artistic, which this definitely is.  So here's what we're thinking: Anne Hathaway, Zac Ephron, storm scene together.  It's cold, it's raining, it's the tenth century.  They turn to each other for warmth.  You getting a visual here?

Speaking of Edgar, the producer loves, loves, LOVES the whole brother against brother thing.  For the evil brother Edmund we're thinking Hugh Jackman.  But, Billy Baby, you're killing us with these names Edmund/Edgar.  No one's ever going to keep it straight.  We don't want to change a thing, but maybe give them more distinctive names.  Like we could call Edmund, Cranio, and give him this huge outsized brain with pulsing veins running all over his skull see?  Like, because he's super-intelligent.  And Edgar, we'd just name him something ordinary like Scott, except, what Scott doesn't know, is that fire ant that bit him the other day, was no ordinary fire ant, but a radioactive prototype the Pentagon was working on, and now Scott, has the super strength of an ant!  (They can lift 20 times their own weight) only he doesn't know he has super powers and has to discover in a final death match with his evil half-brother.

And Regan and Goneril - they are going to be the sisters audiences love to hate!  We're thinking Sophia Vergara and Angelina Jolie.  You might think of adding one small scene - when they're in their castle and Goneril has come all this way to visit Regan, I mean she's gotta be dirty, right?  And those old drafty castles, they couldn't have had up-to-date shower facilities.  So naturally, the two sisters are going to have to shower together, right?  Are you getting a visual here, Bill?  It's just pure realism, plus it would make the two evil sisters a little more sympathetic.

And the blinding scene, what can I say, but wow!  By the way, we're thinking Tommy Lee Jones for Gloucester.  But what if, and this is just a what if, because we don't want to change a thing, what if the whole time Gloucester is wearing a wire!  He's working undercover for the king!  And when Cornwall goes to blind him, he says, "Hey, I think this guy's wearing a wire," and Gloucester says he isn't, only he really is!  By the way, we're thinking Quentin Tarantino for Cornwall.  It'd also be cool if Gloucester knew some karate or some secret martial arts he'd picked up or was a sensei master or something.  You could still blind him and all, but that way if Lear goes over big at the box-office we'd be fixed for a sequel: Gloucester running around, kicking butt and getting revenge.  We already got a promo line: "Gloucester: You'll never see him coming!"  Kind of a play on the whole idea that he's the one who's blind.

Anyway, like we said we all love the script and don't want to change a thing.  Oh, except there's one minor thing.  The whole King Lear/madness thing.  PR says the whole senile dementia thing is a big no-no.  Don't want to go stirring up AARP and get them mad at you.  So we need to take out the whole bit about Lear going mad, running off in the rain, howling at the gods, etc.  Instead, we're thinking Lear has unknowingly been bombarded with secret government radiation, and whenever he blows his top, BLOOEY!  He turns into this super-human killing machine!  We're thinking Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

You getting a visual?

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