I Heart Indies

Monday, February 11, 2013

Recall Notice: 2013 Chimera Sedan

Due to defects in the ventilation system and on-board computer, Echidna Motors is issuing a mandatory recall of all Chimera Sedans manufactured in 2013.

A loose fan belt in the heating/air-conditioning system causes a persistent “squeaking noise.”  If not corrected in a timely manner, this noise will develop into an inexplicably mesmerizing human voice advising the driver to set fire to things or “Do something bad.  Something really, really bad.”

The on-board computer is equipped with AI (Artificial Intelligence).  At times this device may develop self-awareness and attempt to take over the car.  This may negatively impact steering and gas mileage and result in a desolate nightmare world ruled by machines with a paltry number of humans kept alive to serve as slaves to their automobile overlords.

Unauthorized technicians should not attempt to disable the on-board computer as this will trigger the AI’s self-preservation program to respond with brutal force.  This will invalidate the warranty.

What to Do

1. Should I drive my Chimera into the dealership?
No.  Walk away casually, perhaps whistling nonchalantly and remarking aloud in the car’s hearing that “It’s a nice day for a stroll.”  DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON THE CAR.  Once out of sight of the car, call the dealership from a borrowed phone, and our technicians will arrive in unmarked vehicles to disable the AI.

2. What if my Chimera’s headlights come on, and it begins to follow me down the street?
This normally occurs when owners disregard the safety precaution of not turning their backs on the car.  If this happens to you, do not be alarmed.  The Chimera is equipped with sensors to detect human fear and respond with brutal force.  Tell the Chimera you’re glad it came along and continue walking.  DO NOT GET IN CAR.  At first opportunity, find a pretext for climbing a nearby tree, such as, “Hey, I think I see a bird’s nest.”  Once in tree, call dealership from a borrowed phone.  If no phone is available, wait in tree until our roving technicians spot you from their helicopters.  At this point, it is not believed Chimeras are able to climb trees.

3. What if my Chimera climbs the tree?
Our engineers are working to resolve this problem, and those affected will be contacted as soon as possible.

4. What if when I call the dealership, I hear a squeaky voice that sounds suspiciously like the one my Chimera uses, the one that tells me to set fire to things?
This normally occurs when owners disregard the safety precaution of using a borrowed phone.  If this happens to you, play along.  Say you only called to say how wonderful your new Chimera is, and that you’re advising everyone you know to get one.  Then hang up and wait in your tree or rooftop for our roving technicians to spot you from their helicopters.

No comments:

Post a Comment