Friday, February 22, 2013
Please Help Me, I'm a Doomed Character on Downton Abbey
I am a character on Downton Abbey; my contract forbids me from saying which one, as does Julian Fellowes, the sadistic SOB who writes this tripe. Suffice to say I am not one of the many characters who has already died - if you've been able to keep track of them - nor am I the Dowager Duchess (played by Maggie Smith, who to all appearances may be immortal; I believe she preys on the blood of the living.)
I am certain to die because in the previous season, Julian took such pains to show me content, the cup of happiness at my very lips. This is how he always does it, the madman. He doesn't merely kill you, no; first, he has to tantalize you with the promise of a happy story line. Your only hope of survival is to stay mired in such misery and shame that he'll never let you die. When Dan [Dan Stevens who portrays Matthew Crawley] saw in rehearsal that he'd been given the lines "I'm so happy," he broke down and wept. He knew it spelled curtains for him. Sure enough, two episodes later, bammo. Car crash. Ditto for Jessica [Jessica Brown Findlay, Lady Sybil] she had a scene saying how perfect her life was. She knew it would be bad, but she hoped it would be a miscarriage. Or maybe the baby would be hideously deformed. No such luck.
Next thing you know, she's snuffed it, just another plot device to Julian's cruel whims.
Lately everything has been working out for me. That's how I know I'm done for. And I know my end won't be pleasant. It never is. A bite from a poisonous scorpion brought back from India followed by a lingering and ghastly death is the best I can hope for. But there's still a slim chance. Some general disaster that affects the entire cast might distract Julian, give him enough melodramatic fodder he'd lay aside his foul designs on my life. Please write in and suggest a fire break out and burn down the entire joint, or Hitler stages a surprise early invasion a couple of decades ahead of schedule or there's zombies or something.
I just got a look at next season's script. My first line is, "I can't imagine how life could get any better." Hurry or I'm done for.