I Heart Indies

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Uniform Changes

The favorite football league of many desperate and lonely men is no more. The Lingerie Football League has announced plans to rename itself the Legends Football League and said it will no longer have its players compete while wearing lingerie. "This is the next step in the maturation of our now global sport. While the Lingerie Football League name has drawn great media attention allowing us to showcase the sport to millions, we have now reached a crossroad of gaining credibility as a sport or continuing to be viewed as a gimmick," said Mitchell S. Mortaza, the founder of the league. - Houston Michael, The Los Angeles Times

The National Football League is dropping its requirement that players wear thongs while on the field.  "It's the logical next step," says Rich McKay, co-chair of the NFL Competition Committee and General Manager of the Atlanta Falcons.  "In 1910, we introduced shoulder pads.  In 1950, we replaced the leather helmet.  We've required players to wear thongs since the beginning, though not many people know that, but there's really no point in it.  It's a silly rule."  "It's about time," said Tim Tebow, quarterback for the New York Jets. This job is bad enough with injuries and long-term neuro-degenerative diseases without having a constant wedgie all the time."

Major League to play topless, says Commisioner Bud Selig.  "In 2011, attendance had been in a steady slump for decades.  It looked like the end.  So we made a secret rule that all the players had to wear garter belts under their uniforms.  Like in the movie Bull Durham.  We figured, what the hell.  It couldn't hurt."  Couldn't hurt indeed.  Although the fans were unaware of the garter belt rule, attendance soared and 2012 marked the fifth-highest attendance on record.  "Now we're ready to take the next step," Selig said.  "2013 topless.  We've been wanting a peek at David Price's nipples for years."

The Dallas Mavericks Cheerleaders, who made headlines last season by appearing in uniforms that looked like something from the porn version of The Jetsons, are switching tracks again this year under new wardrober, Edith Mueller.  The new costume will be ankle-length skirts with white aprons, and small white "bonnets."  "The bonnet is the racy part," Mueller explains.  "It's very skimpy and lacy.  Virtually see-through.  Barely covers the hair at all, but just a little."  Mueller adds with a wink, "Leaves something to the imagination."   When asked about the change, cheerleader Sequel Molina explains, "Chantel (Chantel Jones) said she had a sorority sister named Edith something when we were looking through resumes, so we thought she'd be fun.  Turns out this one was Amish or Mennonite or Flashlight or something.  I don't know what the hell we were thinking when we hired her."

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