I Heart Indies

Friday, January 18, 2013

The Former Secretary Explains

 The personal bathroom used by the secretary of the Interior ... cost $222,000. No detail was overlooked: It has a $3,500 sub-zero refrigerator ... and a $689 faucet.... the “vintage tissue holder” was... $65 bucks. The renovation was done in 2007 under President George W. Bush’s Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne is the subject of an internal audit by the General Services Administration, which has responsibility for most federal government properties.  In a classic bureaucratic understatement, the audit report noted, “A number of the items incorporated into the renovation project call into question the need for luxurious materials." - Jonathon Karl, ABC News
Look, no one wants to talk about this, but the fact is, I have a spastic colon.  That's right, anytime, night or day, I might have to have a quick BM.  It's a medical condition, all right?  That's why I needed that bathroom.  Especially when I was Secretary of Interior.  I mean that job is crazy.  I got gray hairs over that job.  Everybody in those days was, "Homeland Security!  Homeland Security!  Protect us from the terrorists!"  But did anyone stop to think about the Department of the Interior?  Did anyone stop to think how vital it was protecting the nation's land and water resources?  Do you know what they called the Department of the Interior?  The Department of Everything Else.  That's what Tom Ridge, the Secretary of Homeland Security, used to say, "So Dirky-boy, how're things over at the Department of Everything Else?"  That's right, real funny, yeah.  Well, I got a solid platinum faucet, Tommy-boy, so stick it!
Sorry, I lost my cool there.
Anyway, I was telling you about all the crucial matters we have to take care of at the Interior Department.  Like the Indians.  We were in charge of all the Indians, I bet you didn't know that.  Only you can't call them Indians.  You probably think it's Native Americans, only you'd be wrong.  It's Tribal Peoples.  Can you believe that, Tribal Peoples?  Just thinking about it makes me need to go to the bathroom.  And when you're Secretary of Interior, having one of your fifty potty breaks a day thanks to a medical condition that's beyond your control, worrying that you might have called the Chief of the Cherokee nation an Indian instead of a "tribal person" by mistake, and you might think he'd have some Cherokee name like Chief Barks at Moon or whatever, but no, it's Bill.  Can you believe that?  The Chief of the whole Cherokee Nation is named Bill.  Just like he was a regular person.  So anyway, when you're worried about all that, and you're stuck on the toilet, you don't need the extra stress of wishing you'd brought something to snack on while you're waiting for the ol' Hershey Express to come through.  That's why you need a sub-zero refrigerator.  You got your cold prunes and your orange juice right there.  I'm also crazy about fruit smoothies, so I always had some nonfat yogurt and fresh blueberries.  And the mixer I used to make the smoothies, it was my personal mixer.  Didn't cost the taxpayers one dime.
So let's say I'm done with my medically necessary bathroom break and I'm ready to zip back to work to deal with some bear loose in Omaha or maybe return a phone call from Chief "Bill" of the Cherokee Tribal Peoples, and I'm ready to jump up and get back to doing the nation's business, only not so fast, chuckles.   I got to finish what we in the department refer to as "paperwork."  Now, studies have shown that hanging the roll so the loose flap is in front is more ergonomically efficient than if the flap is in back.  It saves one point five nanoseconds or something.  It was all proved out by a twenty million dollar government study on toilet paper.  Only the department's custodians always hung it the wrong way around.  I don't blame them, they were Hispanic or Tribal People or from Arkansas or something and didn't understand these things.  So I had a special toilet paper holder installed so the only way you could hang it was with the flap hanging forward.  No way to mess up.  That way I save valuable government nanoseconds and avoid hurting the sensitive self-esteem of someone who's doing the best he can and can't help it if he's not a regular American.

I'm sorry it's come to the point that public servants such as myself get criticized simply for doing our jobs.

No comments:

Post a Comment