Monday, January 28, 2013
Richard Graham's Safety Tips
1. Don't let your children wear pull-ups, those sort of training pants slash diapers. If a four-year-old has been drinking gin and tonic all afternoon, he'll never get away from a molester in that get-up.
2. Three words about bicycle helmets. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Think about it, a thirteen year-old's on his bike. He's had a few too many rum punches. How's he supposed to see the alien spacecraft when it comes for him.
3. Always wear boxers, never briefs. Put yourself in this situation: you're coming home from Parliament, and you're knee-walking drunk. Now a gang of muggers come after you. How are you supposed to crawl to safety when you're worried about those whitey-tighties crawling up your butt?
4. Don't wear bright colors in the woods. You don't have to worry about being shot by a hunter who mistakes you for Bambi, most of those guys are so smashed they would be able to hit the side of a barn firing from the inside. No, what you got to worry about is bears. If you've been drinking heavily and taunting bears all afternoon, how are you supposed to get away when a bear finally turns on you, and you're wearing a shirt that basically says, "I'm over here, come and eat me."
5. Always put on plenty of sunscreen when you go to the beach and reapply frequently. This is very critical, especially if you plan to drink really heavily and then go swimming. If you get sucked out in a rip-tide and a Great White Shark grabs you, with all that lotion on, you'll slip right out. I can't tell you how many lives have been saved this way.