I Heart Indies

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

A Message from the National Apple Pie Association


Pilgrims offering the Indians a Smallpox Apple Pie
at the first Thanksgiving
America was founded on three ideals, "Motherhood, America, and Apple Pie."  Some wisenheimers  sneer at this, "How can something be founded on itself?"  Well, America was, you sneering wisenheimer, so there!

But the point is, the last thing in that list is apple pie, and if you know anything about lists, the last one is always most important.  "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."  The pursuit of happiness is the point of the whole thing.  "This one's too hot, this one's too cold, this one's just right."  If Goldilocks tried the one that was just right second, she'd never go on to try the one that was too cold, would she?  "Manny, Moe, and Jack, the Pep Boys."  You know Jack is the boss of the whole operation, just look at the other two sometime.  They're wienies and pretty-boys compared to him.  Jack is a regular guy.

Now I'm not saying anything bad about Motherhood, just because she comes first on the list; my own mother is a fine woman and I respect and love her.  But part of the reason I love her, is because she makes apple pie!  And because she's an American.

George Washington, Father of Our Country,
Holding a TNT Apple Pie
As American as Apple Pie.  We can't say why God made it that way, but he did.  He could have made it cherry pie, maybe, but He didn't.  Why, when George Washington saw a cherry tree, what  did he do to it?  He chopped it down, he didn't even lie about it!  If it'd been an apple tree, he wouldn't have chopped it down in the first place, and if he did, he sure wouldn't have admitted it.  Not if he wanted to grow up to be president.  And as far as blackberry pie, what are you, a hillbilly?  And blueberry pie, are you a hippie?  No, it's apple pie, because that's the way God ordained it, and because that's the way it's always been.

Now, in this great land of ours, there are those who want to take away our precious apple pie, and why?  All because fine American cooks have come up with newer and more versatile apple pies than our forefathers ever dreamed of.  

For example, there's Exploding Plutonium Apple Pie.  A delicious apple pie with a flaky crust that pulls apart with a fork-tip, and inside a block of weapons-grade plutonium, so if you drop it from a height of three feet or more, blooey!  You take out a whole city block.  Then, there's Apple Pie a la Mode, which sounds Frenchie and sissy, I admit, but is just good old apple pie with ice-cream on top.  And it's vanilla ice-cream, not some tamale or sushi ice cream trying to take jobs away from good Americans.  And then there's apple pie with cheese on top.  American Cheese, none of your foreign Swiss or Limburger Cheese here, no sir!  Well, some people don't like that.  I say, fine, it's still a free country for the time being, so you can just say, "I don't want any cheese," or "Leave the ice cream off," or "No plutonium for me."  But that's not good enough for some people, oh no!  They want to deny our precious American freedom and say we can't enjoy a nice slice of Molotov Apple Pie: a flaky crust filled with fresh apples, butter, sugar, and gasoline, and there's a gasoline-soaked rag sticking through the crust; light it, and throw it through a store window, and boom!  You can take out a whole city block.  But if you don't choose to do that, and I say that's your right, then it tastes just as delicious as any other apple pie, except for the gasoline.

A Bald Eagle, Our Nation's Symbol,
Dropping an Incendiary Apple Pie
on an Enemy Penguin
The time has come to stand up and say, "We aren't going to take it any more!"  If they impose a three-day waiting period before you can get a TNT-apple pie, or anthrax-apple pie, or apple pie a la mode, next thing you know, they'll make you wait four days.  And then where will you be?  The crust will be all stale.  They say, exploding apple pies kill people.  Well, I'm sorry, it's just not that simple.  Exploding apple pies don't kill people, people kill people.  And if you take away exploding apple pies, criminals will just start using exploding hot dogs.  If apple pies are outlawed, only outlaws will have apple pies.  Let them take away apple pies, and next they'll come for your guns.  And then they'll take away your mother.  That's exactly the way Hitler did it.

If we're concerned about apple-pie violence, the solution isn't taking away apple pies, it's making sure we have more of them!  Next time someone walks into a mall or a church or whatever with a TNT-apple pie, there needs to be a policeman there, or just a good patriotic citizen with his own exploding apple pie.  So that criminal knows if he tries throwing his pie and - boomo! - taking out a whole city block, there's someone ready to throw his own apple pie and take out another city block right back at him!  An America where everyone has an exploding apple pie will be a polite America.  

America was founded on Motherhood and Apple Pie.  And America.  America was founded on America.

Think about it.

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