I Heart Indies

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Lance Armstrong Comes Clean

Okay, sometimes when I had bottled water there may have been some vitamins in it sometimes.  I'm sorry about that.  Once, when I was on my way to winning my seventh Tour de France, during breaks I had a Red Bull energy drink.  I'm sorry I did that, because I know the rules committee considers that a "performance enhancing" chemical, but I was really pooped out after winning the first six.  I'm very sorry I did it.  Also, I may have added some anabolic steroids to the Red Bull for flavor.  On my third Tour de France, I went over a bump and lost control of the bike.  I twisted my ankle and I'm afraid I said some pretty bad words.  I was in a lot of pain, but that's no excuse.  I hope if there were any impressionable kids listening, they only spoke French and didn't understand what I said.  I sincerely apologize for anyone I might have offended.  Oh yeah, and when I was having the doctor look at my ankle, I had a complete blood transfusion for some freshly oxygenated blood.  I'll admit that my bicycle was a custom-made titanium lightweight model lubricated with atomized graphite.  As far as I knew, this was not breaking any rules, I apologize if it was.  I hope that people don't think I was looking for an unfair advantage.  Oh, and the same guy who built my bike, also built a fully functional Lance-Armstrong-Look-Alike Android.  It was the android that completed the last part of my fourth Tour de France.  If you want, I'll let the android keep the medal for that one, even though I pedaled almost the entire race myself.  Also, I would like to lay to rest once and for all the evil vicious rumor that I had monkey gonads surgically implanted while I was in Geneva.  This is a categorical lie.  I would never do anything to a sweet innocent monkey, even if it meant winning another Tour de France.
They were Mountain Gorilla gonads.

No comments:

Post a Comment